Ahh ok mate
Hey. I said subpar memes.
Glad to see an update, havenât yet managed to play most of the new content for reasons that will become readily apparent laterâŚ
When (and how) did Bishop win his Victoria Cross? Based on my perception of his age I guess he got it in former Yugoslavia or in Sierra Leone? Also, is there any particular reason why itâs a VC (the highest British decoration for valour) and not, say, a Conspicuous Gallantry Cross or a Military Cross? Itâs just that the VC is a famously rare decoration, and that there have only been 5 since the 1970s. Due to the VCâs rarity Iâd expect it to confer on him more visibility e.g. more pictures in the papers etc.
Just a nitpick, really. One potential problem with involving decorations for fictional characters (especially rare ones) is that there can be a tendency to give them the best without justification which can make it look like theyâre over-decorated e.g. Soap in the Modern Warfare series apparently has a VC, a CGC and a DSO despite being 30. But if thatâs the only valour decoration he has and thereâs a suitably badass citation for it, thatâs fair.
Also, just curious, but whatâs with the fictional names for the vehicles in the prologue i.e. Bagassi Felon (Bugatti Veyron analogue) and F-52 Lynx (F-35? F-22?)? I understand it might be a licensing issue, but it seems somewhat peculiar since most if not all of the weapons have their correct names (though I do appreciate all the effort with the vehicles in GGG having serial number-filed off names now). Not sure what the COG/HG policy is on all of this, since Unnatural has IRL-named weapons e.g. Browning Hi-Power.
Also, thinking about it, rather curious choice of words with Charlie being described as a British Schumacher considering this yearâs F1 champion. Granted Breach is set in 2016, but Hamilton already had 3 titles by then. Then again, Brits donât really seem to have particular affection for Schumacher (allegations of being dirty and a cheat). Then again Gabriel probably doesnât watch F1 and Schumacherâs the most well-known driver (then again Schumacher had been in his coma at this pointâŚ).
Anyway, enough ranting. Here are a few typos and punctuation errors for the prologue, chapter 1 and bits of chapter 2:
Prologue
Tense shifts a bit in the prologue, between present and past in the same paragraph (so not just in flashbacks/scene changes).
Welcome to a city filled with crime, opportunity, and the best pizzas⌠Also known as Manhattan, New York city, New York.
New York City.
All you needed to know when you were called for the job was that itâs a quick and simple can opener⌠A safe robbery
Since itâs lingo, shouldnât âcan openerâ be in quotation marks or italics?
Sometimes â(the) Fourth of Julyâ doesnât have the word âFourthâ capitalised. I understand it usually is when referred to?
Missing punctuation:
"When the store starts to close and the cashier leaves the register" your boss adds
Comma, full stop: âWhen the store starts to close and the cashier leaves the register,â your boss adds.
"Oh right. I almost forgot, itâs your birthday present." your boss says as he hands Smiley a pistol, his 9mm Beretta M9. âHappy birthdayâ
Comma, full stop: âOh right. I almost forgot, itâs your birthday present,â your boss says as he hands Smiley a pistol, his 9mm Beretta M9. âHappy birthdayâ.
"Alright! Wow, I thought youâd forget. Thanks" Smiley says
Comma, full stop: âAlright! Wow, I thought youâd forget. Thanks,â Smiley says.
Smiley, the man behind him defensively retorts
Missing full stop
âHey boss, I think this is it.â you and your partner start to see the figure of the cashier move, this is it.
Should probably specify that âyour partnerâ is the not-annoying one, or pluralise it to âpartnersâ, but a nitpick.
you pull on the trigger and the blade spins fast and loud at itâs maximum speed of five thousand rotations per minute
You pull on the trigger⌠its maximum speed ofâŚ
gnawing on the safes door
safeâs door
youâre grateful that youâre wearing earplugs under that ski mask which makes itâs horribly screeching buzz as silent as a fly buzzing around.
Youâre grateful⌠its horribly screeching buzz
signals that the one of the bolt is free, hammer time
one of the bolts
The safe in front of you, the one you pried open with the crowbar. is now wide open, and the insides are yours for the taking.
Full stop instead of comma: âŚthe one you pried open with the crowbar, is now wide open, and theâŚ
"Alright, get to the car, weâre outta here"
weâre outta here!
You walk past him and follow shotty out.
Capitalisation of Shotty
You hear behind you, Smiley shouting âAnyone who tries to follow us gets a 9mm to the brain!â before he follows you out as you follow Shotty to the getaway car.
Seems clunky. How about:
From behind, Smiley shouts, âAnyone who tries to follow us gets a 9mm to the brain!â before he follows you outâŚ
You open the back door, throw the money in, and sat down yourself. Your boss revs up the engine and drives the car out into the streets.
and sit yourself down.
Also I think ârevv(s)â is the correct spelling, with two âvâs?
He looks around to you and Shotty before saying âHow the hell did you two managed to keep your head intact in there?â followed by a proud chuckle.
âHow the hell did you two manage to keep your heads intact in there?â, followed by a proud chuckle.
"Iâm just surprised Shotty didnât accidentally shoot anyone back there" says Smiley.
Comma missing
"Hey Chains. You did good, kid. You did good. Iâm glad Mouse picked the right ones for my crew"
Full stop missing at end
He looks over his shoulder
Comma missing at end
Youâve actually survived your first big job
Full stop/punctuation missing at end
Go on now. I need to take care of the car.", waving you away.
Extra full stop
duffel bag filled with money on the right hand
in your right hand
Youâve survived your first big job, Your first reputable story to tell.
Capitalisation
knowing you just made a LOT of money today, and this, is just a small piece of the true criminal life.
Extra comma: Money today, and this is just a small piece
âI may or may not be." She smirks, laying on the couch, feet thrown in the air.
Probably should have been âI may or may not have been,â she smirksâŚ
âHow long were you waiting?" you ask as you zip open the duffel bag, Lo and behold, $8,500.
The lo and behold bit just seems clunky
"Thanks for not dying." she says, walking over to hug you for a few seconds before walking past you to the kitchen
Thanks for not dying,â she says⌠before walking past you into the kitchen.
Chapter 1
Then you started your part of the plan, you whip out the saw, and started cutting.
You whipped out the saw
Archetype choice:
To help bring justice where the police canât, to rob people who deserves to be robbed.
Who deserve to be robbed
Whoever owns this must be either rich or a local mobsters.
Or a local mobster.
pulls out the things youâve just bought and scan them on the table
scans them on the table
Considering the fact that itâs only been 3 months, and heâs already been robbed 5 times. You wonder if heâs actually losing it.
Robbed 5 times, you wonderâŚ
You let the man go, and he stays there standing, hands still in the air, shimmering.
Shivering?
You park the car on the curb, forced the engine to die, then walk up to the front door.
Force the engine to die
the woman speaks up âAll of that is enough to put you in jail for a long time, we could charge you with being a part of conspiracy alongside the Archangel case, and that alone a long time in jail for you.â
I think it should be (I think Meganâs implying that the MC could be charged for conspiracy with the Archangels?):
The woman speaks up, âAll of that is enough to put you in jail for a long time. We could charge you for conspiracy with the Archangels, and that alone is a long time in jail for you.â
The man cuts her off "I could go on,
Comma: The man cuts her off, âI could go on,
The woman explains "That footage
Comma: The woman explains, âThat footage
the man leans forward with a smirk
Capitalisation: The man
the woman walks up to him and says "We found the gun on you, how did Timothyâs revolver ended up in your pants?"
The woman walks up to him and says, âWe found the gun on you, how did Timothyâs revolver end up in your pants?â
We also found out that the marks made on the safe, are the made by your uniquely modified saw. Also, though some of it was burned off, we found your hand print on that saw." his partner continues
We also found out the marks made on the safe are ones made by your uniquely-modified saw. Though some of it was burned off, we also found your handprint on that saw,â his partner continues.
Because you havenât said a single word since we brought you here, and it rather annoys me." the man says.
Full stop instead of comma
enough evidence to put you to court anyways." he says
Ditto
"1 down, 6 to go." she says as she walks out the door
Ditto
He walks in and the cop uncuffs him as He sits back down.
Extra capitalisation: As he sits back down.
You look away as he sighs and says "Come on, itâs protocol.
Missing comma: and says, âcome on,
Theyâve even gone as far as to give you an accomplice to help you escape⌠you begin to wonder about who these âfriendsâ are .
Extra space before the full stop
"Going up" you whisper
Missing comma: âGoing up,â you whisper.
"Someoneâs picking us up, letâs go"
Missing full stop at end: âŚletâs go.â
The label starting: But then from around the corner, a black SUV skids around the corner and starts driving towards you. Is full of sentences which donât end in a full stop.
Sariel notices you fiddling with it and says âOh! Right, let me take that for youâŚâ She holds your head still and plucks the device out of your ear. She rolls down the window and throws it out.
I assume itâs meant to be Uriel not Sariel here?
She says, tapping your leg as if to calm you down
Missing full stop at the end
Then, you hear a door open from behind you. Beside the garage door you came in, two people walk into the roomâŚ
This bit where Gabriel gets introduced seems a bit clunky, how about:
Then, you hear a door open from behind you. Beside the garage door you came in, two people walk into the room. One of them wears a white hockey mask with a red smiley face and a fancy three-piece black suit and blue tie. The other, unmasked, you immediately recognise: Kaidan Joy!
Garage eating scene has quite a few lines missing full stops.
quite dangerous nowadays" Gabriel says as he stands up from his seat
Missing comma: nowadays,â Gabriel says as he
side and smiles innocently "how else am I supposed to make money enough to pay for the flat?"
Missing comma: smiles innocently. âHow elseâŚ
"Huh? Oh right⌠Iâll be right with you" Gabriel says
Missing comma: âIâll be right with you,â Gabriel says
"Yeah, thanks for not dying" she nudges your shoulder.
Missing comma: for not dying.â
The woman says with a thick french-belgian accent.
Capitalisation: French-Belgian accent.
then to the ID again, then back to you, before handing them back to you and Mouse "Alright, what floor
Missing full stop: you and Mouse. "Alright, what floor
we should get settled down first" Mouse says
Missing comma: settled down first,â Mouse says
You immediately recognize the revolver , itâs yours!
Extra space between revolver and comma
"I need you to draw me the pattern and specify the colours⌠two colour.sâ
Full stop before the s: two colours.â
âOh, youâll love him - solid guy. He appreciates my, services.â
Extra comma: He appreciates my services.â
people are already pointing their assault rifles, submachine guns and pistol at it
pistols
He carries with him a shotgun. the Benelli M4.
a shotgun, a Benelli M4.
about a dozen gunshot from Gabriel as he jumps out of cover flanking the enemy, taking out nearly everyone at the other side of the room.
Clunky? How about something like:
About a dozen gunshots ring out from Gabrielâs direction as he jumps outâŚ
Scene where the guys toast the MC and Mouse has a bunch of missing full stops
When talking to Hayne for the first time:
Her smile turns into cocky smirk
Smile turns into a cocky smirk.
âAre we done here?â she asks you
Missing full stop at the end
When talking to Charlie and Anna, one of the questions is::
âWhat do you two have that Justin and Carly doesnâtâ
Justin and Carly donât?
âSo! Monsieur Gabriel told me I could trust youâŚâ Ah⌠thatâs it. Sheâs Belgian âAnd so I trust you with my information⌠My name Carline Giuseppe Serra⌠please call me Carlyâ
Missing full stop: Sheâs Belgian.
Also, Giuseppeâs a male name? And an Italian one at that?
"The one in the loop!
The Loop seems like it should be capitalised, but isnât always, and sometimes is referred to as âthe loopsâ.
Chapter 2, Pt 1
At daytime, youâre gonna have to deal with the crowd, the copâs response time, and the vault itself. But the vault will be easier to open since the bank is in itâs opening hours"
the copsâ response time⌠the bank is in its opening hours.â
she shows you a picture of the bankâs employees "All you have to do is find out who knows the combination, and threaten them to open the vault"
Punctuation/Grammar: she shows you a picture of the bankâs employees. âAll⌠and threaten them to open the vault.â
Bug: if you bulk-buy 10 zipties from GGG, you can still bulk-buy 1, 3, or 5 zipties to get up to 15.
Doing Velvet Cuts during the day, planning regards to tying up the guards:
[Ramiel] subdue and tie up the three security guards
[Ramiel] will subdue and
Weâre here for the jewelries
Inconsistent use of the British and American spellings of jewellery. Jewellery is used most often, but in the above line, the rarely-used plural of the American spelling is used.
And sure enough, mouse
Capitalisation of âMouseâ. Mouse is also inconsistently referred to as âThe Mouseâ as well in chapter 1 and 2 most notably iirc.
She turns to the hard drives and begin carelessly pulling them out of their socket shouting out âSilent alarm should be out!â
Begins⌠out of their sockets
Also, clunky. Perhaps:
She turns to the hard drives and begins carelessly pulling them out of their sockets. She shouts back, âthe silent alarm should be out!â
silent alarms offline
silent alarmâs offline
Bishop, being the only person in the game to have finished their military service with such a high prestige of a medal, have had numerous awards in both the RAF and the Royal Marines. He won his first Medal during the gulf war as an infantryman (When he was still 18) He then won another medal in the Bosnian Civil War as a pilot in the RAF, once again in Kosovo, before he was horribly injured in a plane crash in Sierra Leone. He then got back into action in the war in Afghanistan, where he continued to win more achievements, including his first Conspicuous Gallantry Cross.
He went on to the Libyan War, and then finally, in Operation Shader, where he finally got his Victoria Cross after surviving a plane crash from being shot down, went finding his way back to a French FOB that was under attack, he rushed in and helped as best he could where he eventually drove away the enemy forces with only 2 French soldiers by his side. He then proceeded to do first aid on the wounded French soldiers as a USMC helicopter arrives to pick him up and provide support.
At the time, Bishop was 42 years old.
⌠Boy that was long.
Bishop is the only person in the game to have won a medal with such high prestige. Mostly because he actually stayed in his military service throughout itâs serviceâs lifespan. The second highest anyone else have gotten would be Gabriel with his Star of Courage.
This is because I wanted to see the difference between using real brand names, and using parodical names. The weapons have their manufacturing company written down mostly because I wanted to specify what kind of weapon it is. The cars on the other hand, theyâre just there because I wanted to see how COG would react to both situations.
Though this is true, Iâve literally used other names to describe Charlie, and the name that got the most recognition is Schumacher, and Jim Clark (Who is actually British). I stuck with Schumacher mostly because it had the highest recognition.
Oh good lord⌠Yeah, Iâll need some time to fix all of theseâŚ
Thanks for the reply, a very verbose one coming in:
On Bishop's Military Career
Iâm not too sure about Bishop being a fighter pilot then transferring to the Royal Navy to become a ground pounder. So he went from RAF Regiment to a fighter squadron (presumably Jaguars or Tornados) then to the Royal Marines as a ground pounder? Three changes in role? Itâs probably not impossible, but in-universe I doubt the RAF brass would be happy at losing a pilot to become a âmereâ ground-pounder.
Personally, I think that so many shifts in branch is stretching disbelief along with the number of decorations. If he got that many decorations and was a ground pounder for his entire career I think that would be fine. But getting both the âglamorousâ jobs of being a pilot and a Royal Marine (oh and heâs also a sniper) and getting a ton of decorations including the highest available (and nobodyâs ever won a VC and a CGC before afaik) seems awfully contrived.
It may just be my personal bias coming in, since I prefer characters who arenât festooned with past accomplishments and/or have them shrouded in vagueness and intangibility. I understand most of this will probably be only tangentially referenced in the game if at all, but Bishopâs actions in-game are far more impressive than anything that he could have done in the past (to be brutally honest, because he managed to significantly hurt Gabriel, who was grating on my nerves in that he still managed to do so much despite being shot and trespassing on Mary Sue/Creatorâs Pet territory).
Come to think of it, the other guys are more interesting since you donât know what theyâre capable of (due to being new to the business) compared to the senior Archangels since there is at the very least an inkling of what theyâre capable of.
Either way, theyâre your characters and this is probably a lot of hot air about something not so significant. Something I find a bit more significant is Gabrielâs primacy in the plot:
On Gabriel and interactions with the MC
Gabriel, in my opinion, is basically a deuteragonist, if not a full-blown protagonist viewed from the lens of his crusade against the Outfit. This isnât inherently a problem (though I have mentioned how he takes away attention from the MCâs crew in the past), but one thing I have recently noticed is how the MC doesnât really have the option to antagonise him and appears to be largely written to like him. Gabriel having a liking for the MC is fine, as is a tendency for the MC to like certain characters, but only in the lens of it being just as easy to be neutral or outright antagonistic to them in return.
Sure in the detective route Gabriel is more sympathetic towards the MC, and in turn may receive more sympathy from the player, but considering his importance in the plot and the number of interactions with him the ability to antagonise him seems to be missing.
I ran a count on *set relGabe + and *set relGabe - in the code, and by my count there are 99 instances where relGabe goes up (largest being +5) and the 17 hits for where it goes down (smallest being -5, which is once and only because you confessed to the FBI in C1. Hell, there isnât even a relationship penalty if you shoot at him and actually wound him.. This discrepancy in being able to affect the MCâs relationship negatively is less prevalent for other characters since they donât play as much of a role in the plot.
While the MC may be predisposed to liking Gabriel (his charisma and him offering the MC a significant place in the organisation), there is also reason to be antagonistic to him (though it would be dangerous to be too antagonistic). The MC has an obsession of sorts with Gabrielâs mask, asking everyone about who he is and trying to sneak a look under the mask, that could easily turn to distrust/paranoia. Furthermore, Gabriel gave the MC an offer they couldnât refuse, so thereâs resentment there. Opposition to Gabrielâs crusade/thinking etc is another route - a vigilante trying to reign him in, a hardened criminal who thinks that Gabrielâs wasting time prevaricating between being âniceâ and being brutal, a detective who wants to make Gabriel make mistakes etc. Finally, there is always envy.
The detective ending appears to draw towards a confrontation with Gabriel, and while it would be more of a tragedy if they were on decent terms, if the option is there to take him down for good (or at least try to), the groundwork for it I think should be laid ahead while the MC is still with the Archangels.
Ranting aside (and I hope that wasnât too critical and/or longwinded), on the matter of trademarks, I reckon some of the gun names are safe enough as military designations (M4A1, âComblocâ guns etc) and some of them have military designations that are less familiar (e.g. AUGA3 = F88A3/Austeyr, FNC = Ak 5). Be a bit stumped over how youâd figure out a parody name for the CZ-805, though. Ironically despite my past sentiments images would actually help in such an eventuality.
Fair enough with the Schumacher bit. Itâs just that with Charlieâs youth and aggression he seemed like a âyoung championâ like Clark and Hamilton, but Schumacherâs probably the best option.
Some more typos/comments:
Avelyne Hangout I
"Yeah, alright! Iâll go get changed first" she says
Missing comma: first," she says
You and Mouse walk in, and even at daytime
I believe âeven during daytimeâ or âeven in the daytimeâ is a more common phrase?
Mouse shrugs, and thinks for a moment âHow bout the arcade?â
Missing punctuation: and thinks for a moment. âHow âbout the arcade?â
Immediately, the first thing Mouse walks over to, is a shooting game.
Extra comma: the first thing Mouse walks over to is a shooting game.
You glance at your surrounding, and a couple of people has stopped to watch you and Mouse obliterate the level like itâs nothing.
You glance at your surroundings and see that a couple of people have stopped to watch you and Mouse obliterate the level like itâs nothing.
Mouse looks to you and says âThat was a warm upâŚâ with a smirk. âYou pickâŚâ she says. â⌠Letâs not pick the one we just did. Too easyâ
A bit clunky. How about: Mouse looks to you, âThat was a warm upâŚâ she smirks. âYou pick⌠but letâs not pick the one we just did. Too easy!â
It seems that theyâre all over you and Mouse "Weâre surrounded!" You say
Missing full stops: It seems that theyâre all over you and Mouse. âWeâre surrounded!â you say.
Amazingly, you and Mouse manage to kill off the entire enemy working together. The level ends. She gasps, as does everyone around you, and she cheers "Hell yeah! That was awesome!"
Amazingly, you and Mouse manage to kill off the entire enemy [force] working together⌠she cheers, âHell yeah! That was awesome!â
And then, you see a new mission on the screen, this time, it says âNightmareâ
Missing full stop at the end
While the cutscene plays, a young man walks up to you and taps you on your shoulder "Good luck! I got $10 on you!"
Missing punctuation: and taps you on your shoulder. âGood luck! IâŚâ
Mouse takes cover as you fire your grenade launcher at the huge mech boss⌠didnât even dented his health bar. He throws a single missile at you, and you take cover.
⌠fire your grenade launcher at the huge mech boss. You didnât even manage to make a dent on his health bar. He fires a single missile at you, and you take cover.
You can win this! ⌠Or you can let Mouse winsâŚ
Or let Mouse winâŚ
You let the mech boss fire itâs missile at you, killing your character.
fire its missile
you can see The one you heard had a bet on you looks to you and shakes his head, before walking away.
You can see the guy who had a bet on you look at you and shake his head, before walking away.
If you do something wrong it wonât be your faultâŚ" You say to her
Missing full stop at the end
âYouâre welcome" You say
Ditto
The two of you spend the remaining hour talking about a few stuff while sipping away your drinks.
at your drinks
Hayne Hangout I
You call Hayne, and she picks up "Hello?
Missing punctuation: and she picks up. âHello?
âItâs meâŚ" You simply say
Missing full stop at the end
You hang up and get ready
Ditto
She looks as if sheâs in her natural habitats,
In her natural habitat
She hands you a loaded pistol "Try this out. FN FNX, .45 ACP"
Missing punctuation: She hands you a loaded pistol. âTry this out. FN FNX, .45 ACP.â
She waits for you to fire
Missing full stop at the end
Concerning the MP5K, it might be less clunky if itâs explained why itâs familiar. The player not only runs into Charlie (with his MP5K), but also I believe Tracy has one (also I think thereâs a continuity error where she switches between an MP5K and an MP5A2, but havenât checked). Does the MP5K have a characteristic paint job, scratches etc?
"I donât talk much, and they pay me good, so I keep my mouth shut"
Missing full stop. Also perhaps âpay me wellâ instead of âpay me goodâ?
âWell you are beautiful" you smirk
Missing comma: âWell you are beautiful,â you smirk
âYou got some nice ones tooâŚ" She winks
Missing full stop at the end; she winks
âWhat do you think about them?â you ask
Ditto
âHas anyone ever seen their faces?â you ask
Ditto
âAs far as I know, they could be the chief director of the FBI, the president of the United States, and the queen of england⌠I donât have a single clue what their names are, but Gabriel, Michael, and Raquel is good enough for meâŚâ
Director of the FBI, the President of the United States, and the Queen of England [sic]âŚare good enough for meâŚ"
âHow could you work for someone and not know who they are?â You curiously ask
Missing full stop at the end
She firmly makes her point
Ditto
She curiously asks "I shoot people better than everyone in the whole crew except GabrielâŚ" She smirks
She curiously asks. âI shoot people better than anyone⌠except Gabriel,â she smirks.
"Gabriel is probably the deadliest member of the Archangels" She chuckles.
Missing comma: Archangels,â she chuckles.
âHeh, shitty and cold⌠thatâs my life before, and after joining themâ
Missing full stop at the end
âI was just curiousâ you shrug
Ditto
But heâs dead and I spat on his corpse, literally⌠letâs leave it at that"
Ditto
I just donât wanna talk about it⌠Iâm sorry"
Ditto
to know the answer toâŚ" she says, chuckling
Ditto
Hayne stops at one of the display at the front of Gregâs store.
Hayne stops at one of the displays at the front
It looks like a regular AR-15 rifle, with a dark green pain on the handguard, grip, buttstock, and scope. Itâs beautiful looking, and pristine.
It looks like a regular AR-15-type rifle, with dark green paint on the handguard, grip, buttstock and scope. Itâs pristine and beautiful.
"Thatâs an understatement" Hayne chuckles
Missing comma: understatement,â Hayne chuckles
"This rifle was special made for one of our customers. Unfortunately, he passed away before we could finish the rifle" Tracy says as she opens up the display case from behind
âThis rifle was especially made for⌠could finish the rifle,â Tracy says
"Yup. Itâs a full-auto, chambered in 5.56x45mm, comes with itâs own suppressor, a C79 ELCAN scope, hair trigger, and custom made stock and handguard engravings" Tracy says.
Itâs full auto, chambered in 5.56x45mm. It comes with its own suppressor, a C79 ELCAN scope and has a hair trigger. [As you can see], it has a custom engraved stock and handguard,â Tracy says.
"Sorry the but the price tags arenât negotiable" Tracy says,
Missing comma: arenât negotiable,â Tracy says
Hayne shuffles her hair and says âIâll, um, come back when I have some moneyâ She says.
Extra âsaysâ before and after speech.
âIâll pay for itâ
Missing full stop at end of line
price tag and the itemâs yours" Tracy
Missing comma: itemâs yours, Tracy
She looks up to you and says "T-Thank you. I donât deserve this"
Missing punctuation: She looks up to you and says, âT-Thank you. I donât deserve this.â
âThank you so much, this means a whole lot to me" She says.
Missing comma: this means a whole lot to me,â she says.
You and Hayne finish up and make your way out of the shop**,**
Comma in lieu of full stop at the end
Though I still do my research when it comes to how realistic some of my characters are, I sometimes have to step back and realize that some of these people are assassins whose job went from international killers to local criminal. Yes, there is much story to be revealed, and no, Iâm not revealing everything in this one single game.
Though yes, Bishop changing from being on the ground and then going into the air before going back again onto the grounds again, and then back up into the air is quite unrealistic, but I needed it to be this sort of way for his personal story. Though I may have blown him out of proportion when I said that I wanted him to be in stark contrast against Rook, who has no medal, no military honours whatsoever, and has not even been in the military one third as long as Bishop did.
I do plan to change bits and pieces of everyoneâs story since âwhateverâs not mentioned in the game is not canonâ. And even then, I still sometimes retcon stuff thatâs already been mentioned in the game, so yes, room for improvements is virtually always available.
Also, the main reason this game has a forum, is for people like you to point out my flaws and help build the game into something better, which I value, very much so!
Bishop is an incredibly underrated character in the game when in comes to me, Ben, and @Fonexâs ⌠um⌠âdevelopmentalâ talks. He can match Gabriel in both mental and physical sense, and with enough time and training, he can take down Gabriel in a 1v1 no weapons fight. He has the most military experience out of everyone in the game, and the only reason we donât do much with him in this game is because Rook (at least in this game) somewhat overshadows him and his personality fits more to this gameâs theme of criminals and law enforcements.
But donât worry⌠I have much to write for the two of them. And I have much more stories to tellâŚ
I do recognize this as a problem even before youâve stated this and I am trying to figure out how it is his character is going to work. Because when you take a step back from the game itself you can see that everything is centered around two things, Gabriel, and The Archangels. (Three, including the Outfit if youâre counting background stuff)
I sort of realized halfway into making this game that Gabriel is a Mary Sue character whoâs good at everything and knows everyone and knows how to go through every situation and all that. So quite recently Iâve been trying to tone down his appearance and importance but upon doing so, I realized that Iâd also be changing the gameâs story a bit. So Iâm currently trying to figure out how to simmer down Gabriel without breaking any major continuity.
⌠Or if Iâm too tired, I can always just change the continuity.
I do, however high it seems, have set limits for each and every character, and plan to show to everyone their limits, if not in this game, in later stories. Gabriel is not immune to this. He has a limit, and has been hinted at more than a few times.
And now for his relationship. This game is not finished, and though the relGabe commands are there mostly for future references purposes. I admit, I have been constantly ignoring the fact that thereâs an âFBIâ and âCitizenâ Reputation and though I did plan on using them, I also seem to be ignoring the relationship system. I do plan on revising the game and fixing and adding more relationship buffs and penalties, most likely after Iâm finish with Chapter 4.
The fact that Gabriel is naturally a good person really bugs me, and though I do somewhat consider him to be a creatorâs pet, we do have fun in trying out different ways to make people dislike/hate him (Ben especially). We are currently working on it and we do plan on writing a lot more stuff to come for the Detective path where you can truly antagonise him, and possibly even kill him⌠somewhatâŚ
Weâre still not sure how weâre going to go about that because we do need Gabriel to be the âmainâ person of interest. And him dying would basically scrap almost every future game story we haveâŚ
Perhaps itâs time for me and Ben to think of⌠other characters, as our main focus.
I do have replacement names for every brand named items in the shop, so if COG comes knocking, Iâll simply start switching them out⌠Boy I just realized how big of a weapons collection I have in this gameâŚ
I wouldâve loved to go with Jim Clark, but apparently, not many outside of the UK, France and Canada know who that isâŚ
By all means, throw them at me! Any criticism counts!
Ooh boy⌠I need my tea for this, Iâll take care of these later.
I think I do like Bishop the most because heâs quiet and has a relatively minor presence, which will tie into the main bulk of this reply. But Iâll leave the matter of his career behind for now.
I do dislike Gabriel, but because I find him a Mary Sue (which exacerbates with each subsequent reading), and thatâs probably not what youâre looking for in terms of a player reaction to him.
I think part of the problem with Gabriel is that, in my perception, Gabriel being good at stuff and people being indebted to him is repeated again and again. The âMary-Suenessâ is exacerbated by it being in the playerâs face constantly. Kaidan and the MC are written to have a rapport of sorts, but since Kaidan and the MC donât really interact much on-screen heâs fine.
I canât really recall of anyone really saying a bad word about Gabriel; even those are probably couched in some form of compliment (c.f. Michael v Gabriel v MC Mexican standoff). I think dissenting opinions would be somewhere to start, since there really arenât any. For instance, Anna could have second thoughts (especially if Charlie is in the team) and blame Gabriel, who brought her and her brother into the business, when stuff gets tough. Kaz might start to question Gabrielâs methods or nurse wounded pride etc.
Part of the problem is that everyone in the MCâs potential crew is in some way indebted to Gabriel and were previously up shit creek without a paddle until Gabriel shows up (shows whoâs the boss) and swoops them into the Archangels (like the MC). Granted that might be his modus operandi for getting loyal subordinates (that could be something to use to weaken his image), but it gets tiring. Washed out cop? Okay. MMA Champion in a new country? AlrightâŚTwo siblings in a new country? Ehh, Iâll accept. âDetroitâs anonymous hackerâ? Lost Belgian heiress? Is there anyone he hasnât got wrapped around his little finger?
This I think is compounded by the fact that he is an almost-unending presence, even when the game starts to open up (e.g. âGabriel taught me thisâ, âgo call Gabrielâ etc). I think this is partly due to how the leading members of the Archangels are Raquel, Gabriel and Michael. The former is vicious, and the latter is an arse, so he is probably the most amenable of the MCâs superiors which exacerbates influencing liking him compared to the other two.
One possibility could be to drop Gabriel from the heists/minimise his presence further (and limit his leadership role) and just have Mouse as mission control; that could give more room for development of the crew or Mouse as a subordinate character to the MC.
As an unlikely option (due to the amount of work that would need to be done), could be shoving in a âmini story missionâ (longer than a selectable heist, shorter than a story mission) between The Tower and Chapter 4. This would focus on the Crew, Mouse and potentially Kaidan (without the major Archangel players showing up) and would be a breather from Gabriel. Personally, I found the jump between the VAM Tower to C4 a bit too quick in-universe time, but I acknowledge that such a mission would add to workload and disrupt the current pacing. It would also give the detective MC more time with their crew?
I do recognise that Gabriel does make mistakes and show his flaws in some cases, notably at the VAMTower. The problem is, he still manages to perform just as well as he does while pumped full of bullet holes and has enough time to wax philosophical while bleeding out and to admit that he doesnât fear death. If in the elevator the MC had an opportunity to meet eyes with Kaidan and imply that Gabrielâs off his rocker for refusing medical treatment and potentially slowing the team down, that would be an improvement of some sort since Gabriel seems to waltz around with an aura of awe that people rarely put a word up against him. I suppose Gabriel absolutely, abjectly, failing at something without any excuse for it (and putting the Archangels in a really sore spot) would deflate Mary Sue accusations, but that might not be easy to put in.
I suppose you could have Gabriel get consumed by his drive to accomplish his goals that he alienates everyone or forces the MC to choose between him and LO/Crew/morality both in Archangel-loyalist and anti-Gabriel routes. However, that would be later in the game, and the foundations for the Mary Sueness start much earlier in the game.
Goth Mouse and MC for the thing I mentioned.
Itâs really fun to write.
I doubt anyone here recognize them. Camera couldnât focus⌠Iâll find time to turn them digital.
@MichaelMaxwell since you might forget, you should remind here on when do you plan to update the game for the next update. Since chapter 4 would be taken down.
âYay.â And that was the only word Bishop uttered before he disappeared into the darkness. He was wearing his fancy suit with his facial hair shaved clean. His hair were also very tidy.
Why? The busy businessman was on his way to Europe. Something something, and something investment. Something something stock. Itâs hard to tell if it was just the usual Bishop we know, or that he was lazy. Perhaps both.
âŚHe did said something like âThe more risk we take, the more profit we will gain. Bet nothing and get nothing.â
What was that about?
Ok letâs call Gabby âMary Sueâ from now on. Ok. Mary Sue. He wonât mind.
The save doesnât workâŚ
Do you still have the same problem?
Cool. Have fun with that 10 millions!
Yeah that sounds good to me.
Well, hello! Sorry I havenât been online for quite some time, personal life and all, but Iâve been doing some actual work! Adding a new cheat system, revising the entire third chapter, and adding in some really important relationship advances that I now realized are very crucial as to what could happen in Chapter 4.
But not only that, being a bad person actually has some effect now! ⌠Though only in your relationship with Michael.
It wasnât easy⌠but I did itâŚ
Gabriel can now be defeated by Rook and Bishop in chapter 3, he is also somewhat more human about his wounds (Because the lad hasnât got unlimited blood), whilst still being Gabriel. Heâs been nerfed so hard I feel a bit sorry for himâŚ
But such is life!
His conversion to becoming human isnât exactly done yet since Iâve only revised the third chapter. So if youâve found some mary-sue-esque scenes with Gabriel in earlier or later chapters please let me know!
Oh right. Iâve been a bit behind schedule with that, so the next update (coming very soon) will still contain chapter 4, but most likely, next month will be the start of Phase 4âs private testing.
Bishop isnât lazy, heâs just reluctant to show off his skillsâŚ
Iâve decided to delete the cheater difficulty in favor for the âTesting Cheats Modeâ that you can unlock and use at the start of each chapter starting from chapter 1.
All of the above will be in the next update, which is coming pretty soon! So keep an eye out!
Becoming⌠Human⌠especially that confronting Don scene in chapter 4. Gabriel scene cringed me knowing his origins. You should go online. And chat me about the changes you made especially that one with Michael. Have you done something about writing some characters that it seemed like they told you to write what they said?
âItâs hard for the readers to tellâ.
âReluctantâ, in other words âunwillingâ, ânot eagerâ, âdisinclined to be involvedâ
may be perceived as laziness by some people.
Remember to remind people about it. Perhaps 2 or 3 weeks before the next update.
What an honor!
Uh. Maybe just Bishop, Rook (and his special other).
Or Bishop, Rook and Friends.
Bishop-Rook- (Duo) + (MC name)âŚ
Not gonna lie with you Boss⌠I really wanna ditch the archangels and join Rook & Bishops duo and become a T R I O (then again I guess those two are archangels but ya know. Whatever) but seriously though Idk why but I find those two very likable and just relatable in some way so I just wanna thank you for those two Bossman. In fact, I just wanna thank you overall for making this entire game amazing and granting us itâs characters and such. You are really inspiring people out here (such as myself) to make games such as this and make them as enjoyable as possible. Along with putting their own unique twist and flavor in their games and letting out their best effort.
P.S That whole 'Finding out Gabriels Identity is harder than expected due to some in real life things but I have found a lead and soon that lead shall show me the truth of Gabriel and B R E A K him.
Wow, thank you very much!
Thank you for playing the game! And yes, Rook and Bishop really are in a league of their own. They seem to always have their own adventure whilst the MC are with their crew and the trio⌠I sometimes wish I had time to actually write a story just about the two of them.
Oh jolly! A new update!
Yes, new update, within the same month as the last update. Itâs rather unnatural for me, but Iâve been focusing on work for the game lately and Iâve gotten some real progress!
So hereâs hoping the train continues to roll with less writer blocks in the future!
UPDATED!
Breach: The Archangel Job (Updated)
DEVELOPMENT LOG#35 (29-November-2018) (Public Testing)
(3.O23.18.11.09)
- Revised Chapter 3
- Added more relationship advances for Michael and Raquel (Mostly in Chapter 3)
- Made it easier for you to turn criminal in Chapter 4 after being found as an informant
- Added more for Carlyâs romance stuff in Chapter 4
- Gabriel Nerfed (Chapter 3)
- Rook is now able to defeat Gabriel in Chapter 3
- Added a few more scenes with Raquel in Chapter 3
- Added a few more scenes with Michael in Chapter 3
- Added cheat codes! 8 Brand new cheat codes for you all to find and use!
- Moved Rookâs second hangout to only be available after you finish your second heist
- Made bleeding a little more dangerous. Check those health bars, people!
- Fixed the dual wielding system from breaking everything you sell or unequip your secondary
- Set base relationship to 50 (AgainâŚ)
- Hayne now uses the Walther P99 (Previously uses the Glock 19 and 20)
- Added the ability to bring small secondary weapons to hangouts
- Added the ability to bring small melee weapons to hangouts
- Added the ability to bring small body armours to hangouts
- NOTE FOR TESTERS: The three features above is not yet finished. If you donât mind, please go through the hangouts and let me know where you see an option to use any of the three equipments.
- Cleaned up the menu (Previous menus will now only be available in the private testing)
- Fixed Rookâs hangout (hopefully)
COMPLETED: Cheasty doodle Doo - Cheat Codes (100%)
W.I.P.: Cheats Galore! - More Cheat Codes (10%)
W.I.P.: The Purge - Ellipsis (âŚ) Massacre! (66%)
W.I.P.: Kaz Hangout - First Romance (71%)
W.I.P.: Chapter 4: The Big Bank (62%)
W.I.P.: Gregoryâs Glorious Goods - Part 2 (92%)