BREACH - Crime Thriller (Finished Demo - Patreon Tier Update) (800k~ Word)

comedy
young-adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice
#3628

Car chase with the investigator when you shoot his car tires the pop should have been bold i think.

Exactly that but i cbf copying because i was eating some chips…chiiiips~

2 Likes
#3629

Misconstrued where as why. oof. Should’ve known.

1 Like
#3630

Well it’s been fixed.

#3631

Don’t worry, just a few edits here and there. Nothing major.

Summary

So, here’s the second character. I’ve always played a smiley, or a shotty on occasion. Anyways…

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So I chose to skip chapter 1, and chose the “cops killed” option.:thinking:

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I’d add a hyphen between mid and twenties

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Comma after house

Hey wait, wasn’t there an old intro with our mc in an apartment and then the SWAT breach the room? When was that, pre-phase 2? Anyways…

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Should be 2 men

I’ll be eagerly awaiting that car chase. Slammed might work better if it was slam, given the amount of present-tense nouns in this sequence.

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Turned may be turn, as this is present-tense, right?

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Yo but like, isn’t it illegal if you can’t actually hear your miranda rights?

BTW, can we just feed the feds misinformation, as they know so little about the Archangels?

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Should be the man says, leaning back in his chair. Or whatever.

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But he didn’t cut her off. She finished her sentence. Maybe replace the last period with a hyphen? And why is Reville constantly referred to as “the man”? We have seen his name.

Add a after picture.

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Capitalize “the”

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add “to” after you.

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add a space after the comma.

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Add period after woman.

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Change see-through to transparent. Or clear, or something.

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Remove the space before the apostrophe

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“Very”

Ok, so we just hold up the feds at gunpoint, and they casually ask me for information? Why aren’t cops flooding the room, and sending me straight into a cell?

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Remove the period after suddenly. Replace with … or -. Change before to when.

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Add a period after seat.

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“I’ll tell you a joke. Your interrogation skills.”

“The only real joke here is your hairline”

idk if you want to add these, dialogue options seemed a little sparse…

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Why would she ask me if I was shot?

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Add a period after tie.

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Yeah, let me have some escargot

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Make C lowercase, add period after coffee.

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Wouldn’t this me mademoiselle?

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Who?

This kinda contradicts her earlier statement…

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Easy, just look for anyone shorter than 5’4"

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Remove the period

Should be “what’s the design gonna be?”

That’ll be all.

Jazz from the Fresh Prince…

1 Like
#3632

That was supposed to be the start of the game with the rest of the game being in past tense, leading up to that one point at the start, but I figured since this is a game of choices, it would be quite the work…

… And honestly, I just didn’t find anything to do with it, so I deleted it.

Again, one of the many reasons why there were so many past tenses in the prologue and first chapter is because I was going to do the whole game in past tense, but scrapped that entirely…

Yes, but Anthony doesn’t care…

:thinking: I’ll keep this in mind…

There are some cases where the MC has yet to see Reville’s name. Coding error…

Because Anthony specifically asked the police to not intervene.

But it does give me something to fix once I redo chapter 1.

Again, something to add once once I redo chapter 1

she assumes the worst :laughing:

they’re not that fancy

Whoa, I missed a whole paragraph there, :laughing:.

Oh now I know why I deleted that paragraph…

Sounds good, doesn’t work… Raquel is sticking with Gabriel most of the times.

I’m afraid I have yet to watch enough Jazzy and Will Smith :sweat_smile:

1 Like
#3633

If we romance Raquel would she start to sticking less and less with Gabriel and more with us?

2 Likes
#3634

I like the sound of that idea…

Then again, I like anything that involves my mc and Raquel…

1 Like
#3635

Yes, but the romance will continue in part two of this game.

#3636

She seems to be really attached to Gabriel though, hard to say.

1 Like
#3637

She’s been trying to get at it with him for years now, and Gabriel has yet to budge or even notice it. So yeah, she’s sooner or later going to be quite tired of getting him to notice her…

6 Likes
#3638

I should have kept better track of this topic :open_mouth: My bad.
A little weird to see fewer chapters now than there used to be when I played the demo in August.
But. Gabriel. I swear to God, Gabriel! I so did not expect that! All this hugging and avoiding unnecessary violence and blatant complimenting of leg-revealing articles of clothing finally payed off!
Awww, Gabriel. :star_struck::star_struck::star_struck:
(I’m a little overcome at the moment and therefore can not make much sense. Sorry).

1 Like
#3639

That’s alright, this thread can really change from time to time.

Oh wow, yeah, things have been moving forward since then :sweat_smile:

The game will be split into two different games. The first part will consist of chapter 1-3 along with the start of chapter 4. This is so I can actually publish the game within a realistic timescale.

… Wow, I must’ve done something right with his romance? :sweat_smile:

2 Likes
#3640

I Won’t lie. It’s big.

Summary

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Add period after crimes

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Add hyphen after non, change weapon to weapons

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Add apostrophe before the s in that’s, maybe remove the comma

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I’d remove “set of”, it just seems odd in this context. Maybe change to “he inhales”. That’s how I’d write it anyway.

So… Greg has access to fucking anti-air missiles, anti-tank rockets (I assume rockets, anyway)…

I’m almost afraid to ask how… A dirty bomb has similar effects to a nuke (you know, without the fireball). Perhaps a future plot point in which the Cartels acquire one?

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Should be “they aren’t”

Add apostrophe before em

Maybe change the word uniform as it’s used here to uniforms? btw Why can’t we access these in the store?

Why can’t I use these?

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Add period after point.

okok so I get the fact that it’s game-breaking, but why even include this if we can’t even acquire these vehicles?

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Says should be said

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Wow… I’ve never actually seen a tilde used in writing… Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s just unusual for me.

Capitalize because, add a period after with

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Ask should be asks

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$ 51,268,000???

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Maybe this could be changed to “he grimaces”?

Buddy we’ve been talking about your services for the past 10 minutes… And why are there 2 questions about Greg’s services? There’s a way to make certain options impossible after tripping a certain variable…

My dad never could bring me to one of those…

Just a comment here. This Brit English is making me see typos that aren’t really there. Defense isn’t usually spelled with a c… But it isn’t really a typo… In Britain, anyways…

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I’d capitalize Cobra

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So uh, what happened to using codenames when we’re about to fight? Or do codenames go into effect after masks are donned?

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Should be “footsteps are”

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Why can’t people with the name Carmine ever catch a break…

remove the -ed from leaned.

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Should be "you are fast enough to respond

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Settled should be settles

Add period after side

It wasn’t the voice yelling “Go away” that made you think that?

Kinda odd… We’ve seen Raquel before, so why does the writing make me feel like our character’s never seen her? “that must” just makes it feel like we assume that the person we see is Raquel… idk. maybe I’m wrong.

Remove “releases a”, change it to sighs.

So, my stomach acid isn’t spilling into my body, corroding my organs? Nice! add period after shot.

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It… It returns… GOD NO. Anyways, I chose to pick up the ak47, changed my mind, then backed out of that screen. I was using the MP5 that we were given earlier. I’m an engineer, if that effects the gun we’re given at the church.

So uh… How does this happen?

You mean… Someone was wearing this? And it hasn’t been washed?

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Capitalize you

Add a period after tail, now, and outside

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Add period after pocket

Add period after shop

Add period after uriel

Didn’t we grow up in an orphanage? Was the mc allowed to roam the streets? I assume not…

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Add question mark after carly

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Add period after mask

Should be wound, not wounds. I was shot once. In the stomach not multiple times.

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I’ve a recommendation… Change eternal to ethereal. I like it. It makes some sense, as Gabriel’s an Archangel and all… Whether or not he conducts himself as such (in hindsight, no) is up for debate. Oh lord I’m stupid the smile’s referring to the one on his mask, isn’t it?

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make everyone’s mask in payday 2. I really need a better hobby.

1 Like
#3641

… Well, good to know I’ve got some work to look forward to :sweat_smile:

… This my take awhile to reply to…

2 Likes
#3642

In my experience, a carafe of bold coffee never fails to exponentially increase my productivity.

2 Likes
#3643

Its max he doesn’t do coffee its either alcohol or tea

Edit: or both

3 Likes
#3644

You know me well…

I’ll get around to the reports in an hour or so

3 Likes
#3645

He can call them in as long as the client’s willing to pay. He doesn’t own them, his contacts does. He just fixes the deal.

However, as for the nuke, that’s a whole different story but one I’m willing to explore. And yes, I’ve googled it, they do sell nuclear warheads in the back market. Not just a dirty bomb, but an actual nuclear warhead.

They're not, and they aren't are the same… I think.

Great question… Though most aren’t going to be used, there are some like the tank (Which has been teased quite a lot by Charlie in Chapter 4), which will actually be available for the last heist.

… Okay that’s a lot of money, but still, Greg knows Gabriel too well and would somewhat consider it, but most likely still decline.

That line is actually to unlock the next set of dialogues. I’ll see what I can do to change that since it’s a bit redundant.

Why? Why does your dad do? If you don’t mind me asking…

You’re going to see a lot of that… sorry :sweat_smile:

I just needed to introduce the names…

This was supposed to be the first time the MC’s seen Raquel in her “uniform” but apparently it’s always been what she wears. I’ve fixed it.

Oof. Coding error, fixed!

When did you check this?

As Gabriel said.
asdsda

Yes…

I really need to get a job :laughing:

1 Like
#3646

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! :heart::heavy_heart_exclamation::sparkling_heart::gift_heart:

As a promise to someone, I will now post the ranking of those who are the best to have as company in bed, from best to maybe-not-worse-but-definitely-down-there!

EDIT: Keep in mind that this is only based on the opinions of both Ben and Myself.

Best In Bed

  1. Rook
    He’s up for just about anything, anytime, anywhere, for as long as you want. He wins triathlons for fun and has the stamina of a Pronghorn Antelope…
  2. Carline Serra
    She’s an insomniac nymphomaniac. Enough said.
  3. Gabriel
    He may be inexperienced but he’s a fast learner. Expect lots of hugging, cuddling, petting, and kissing.
  4. Michael
    I know. I’m just as surprised as you are. XD.
  5. Bishop
    Pretty much tied with Michael.
  6. Fitrah Aishya
    Whatever she says, goes. Whatever she wants, she has.
  7. Anthony Reville
    Though he’s more focused on fighting crime, doesn’t mean he hasn’t got time to have fun.
  8. Gregory Murdock
    “Forgive me daddy, for I’ve been naughty”
  9. Kaidan Joy
    “And the ranger’s aim was deadly, with the big iron on his hip” He may be quick on the draw, but his bedroom action is anything but.
  10. Hayne Lyndell
    I hope you don’t mind being in handcuffs. She definitely doesn’t.
  11. Raquel
    She’s alright, if you don’t mind the biting and scratching.
  12. Annabelle Whelpley
    Whatever you do, don’t anger her.
  13. Avelyn Sommerfell/Edwyn Carmichael
    As cute and adorable as they come!
  14. Charles Whelpley
    He’ll take you from The Mill to your safehouse in minutes, but he’ll be in your bedroom for as long as you want him to be~
  15. Antonie Kazton
    Kaz may be all flexes and sweet talk, but he can be a bit shy at times.
  16. Megan House
    Ever done the cop and robber routine?
  17. Justin Uemura
    I hope you don’t mind wearing bunny hears…
20 Likes
#3647

:joy::rofl::rofl::rofl::joy_cat::joy_cat:

EDIT: But which of them will eat pizza in bed with their Lover? That is the real question, @MichaelMaxwell!

3 Likes