Blades Of Damascus (WIP) {Update 04/25/19}

young-adult-fiction
modern-fantasy
gender-choice
#1

This is my first attempt at a choicescript game and not scrapping it after the first month. I hope you guys enjoy, and this hopefully will turn into a trilogy with two side arcs.

Synopsis: It was supposed to be a regular winter break, going home to see friends and family. That is until your mom tried to sacrifice you. Now with a primeval sharing your soul and family you didn’t know existed will you be able to survive battles & college?

  • Play as a male, female, or non-binary 21 year old student.
  • Let your fear become your strength.
  • Try to survive while your soul gets hijacked on a regular basis.
  • Use your new gift to help others, or be a selfish jerk.
  • Wield a variety of weapons
  • Learn about various events in time as chronicled by a phoenix.
  • Romance anyone from your best friends to an ancient volatile kitsune.

The RO’s

Briar

One of your childhood best friends, she is a few months younger than you, and is attending college to eventually obtain a masters in medicine. She’s 5’6 with a slight figure. Has chocolate colored eyes and shoulder-length black hair that fades into a lavender ombre.

Luca

Your other childhood best friend and a year older than you. Currently he takes online classes so he can help out at his family’s restaurant. He’s 6’0 with a well-built figure due to excessive track and basketball. Has emerald green eyes that complement his tousled caramel hair.

Gwen

An 18 year old excitable MMA fighter, she joined the Blades right out of high school due to her accomplishments physically and academically. She’s 5’10 with a willowy frame that hides her toned muscles. Has light blue eyes and honey blonde hair that’s kept chin-length.

Zac

A 22 year old who’s family is descended from one of the original founders of the Blades. He is completely committed and trained under Reuben’s tutelage from a young age. He’s 5’7 with a muscular frame.

Nyx

An ancient and volatile kitsune. Claims she is an abomination and will rarely talk about her past, has a very unusual fighting style. She’s 5’3 with an hourglass frame. Has dark gray eyes and waist length raven colored hair.

Weylin

The friendly neighborhood wulver, he works as a liaison and informant for the Blades and goes out of his way to help the less fortunate. Is very self conscious about his true form around humans and usually uses glamour charms to appear fully human. He’s 5’9 with a slightly toned figure. While under a glamour he has messily spiked silver hair and while in his true form he has silver fur and sapphire colored eyes.

Current word count: 41,812
To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/play/starfoxed/blades-of-damascus/mygame/
I just set a tumblr up for asks & etc: https://starcrossedkitsune.tumblr.com/

Please let me know how you feel about how the story flows, if it’s too abrupt and whatnot. Also how you feel about the character’s and if their personalities stay in character.

Also any suggestions for the story is welcomed.

Update 4/16/19

Total word count is now: 31,011 adding 9,185 to the original 21,826.

  • Fixed various typos
  • Complete coding revamp for CC, easier for finding possible bugs and typo errors
  • added a “balding” option for hair type
  • added an exact height option after you choose your height, mostly as flavor text.
  • fixed height to more appropriate ones due to gender
  • fixed reworked sentence about “tall mom”
  • added early feeling checks that should help set the MC’s personality
  • rewrote various scenes to add more description
  • added descriptions for the dye colors in hair
  • finally added a fleshed out blanket fort scene for those who choose that path
  • added a choice where you set why you’re going to school, limited choice that adds to the MC personality or skills
  • added scene after the gas station
Minor update 4/20/19
  • Stats balance (hopefully)
  • Excerpt elaborating on Nyx’s past which is accessable by entering ‘echo’ on the input password page.
  • poll on post # 36
Update 4/25/19

Total WC is now 41,812 from 32,000 most of what is added is Ch.1

  • Small tweaks to stat gain/ relationship gains
  • Added more to the part where you talk to Reuben after the hospital
  • PAAAARTAAAY
  • Chance to participate in something, not spoiling it.
  • Added a content warning due to one of the scenes depicting partial nudity -it is completely avoidable though if the reader so chooses.
111 Likes
#2

I like story it fun read

1 Like
#3

Welcome to our community!

#4

This is the first time I’ve seen such a in depth customization

2 Likes
#5

I love it~ Waiting for update! :slight_smile:

1 Like
#6

Thank you! I’ve always liked reading the other WIPs and the HGs that had heavy customization and I think they add so much more to the story:)

3 Likes
#7

Would it be possible to add an “Are you sure?” choice regarding which phobia the MC has? I was expecting to click on one of the phobias, read about what it was, and then choose which one I best liked after I had read them all through.

Excited to see more WiPs dipping their toes into this genre! Best of luck! And thanks for sharing your WiP with the community!

7 Likes
#8

I have been lurking on the forums for a while, I look forward to reading more. It’s so well written, I will have to agree with @The_Black_Reaper about the phobias, I had no idea what a couple of them were.

4 Likes
#9

@The_Black_Reaper @Zenobrighter that would be no problem to add it! And I’m glad you both enjoyed the demo so far

2 Likes
#10

Is there any reason for restricting the eye colour based on the phobia? It seems oddly restrictive, given how inclusive the rest of the character creation is. :confused: Also, would it make sense to have skin colour as a choice, too?

1 Like
#11

The eye color does end up being tied into your phobia and that will show in the update the mc will end up having heterochromia, the eye color you wont be able to select denotes your power.

I did want to add the option for skin in but I just wasn’t sure where to add it, probably either at the mirror scene in the prologue or a bit after point where the demo ends currently which is where it’ll reveal why in story why certain colors were not an option.

#12

I noticed this error when choosing Taphephobia

#13

played the game an i liked it,it was fun to play so gonna keep a eye on it for updated,presses on the tracking button.

2 Likes
#14

@s_yzygy Thank you for catching that! It should be fixed now.

@John_Hindley thank you :slight_smile:

1 Like
#15

@StarFoxed I was still customizing my character when this popped up;

#16

Thank you for catching that! It should be fixed now

1 Like
#17

This seems like a start to a great story I love the characters

#18

Sounds good I will try it soon

#19

I’d like to give some more story-based comments, but other than the conflict set-up stuff, I don’t feel like I have much of an idea about where this story is headed yet =P

In Customize Now, checking without entering data is kind of hilarious “[…] and you have skin, and if you had a sibling they would call you . You also have colored eyes, and hair that is kept in a style. You’re pretty in height.”

The initial descriptions of the main characters actions and attitudes didn’t endear me to them. Some options as to how to react to the driver in the first scene, and how to feel about cleaning the kitchen, even if they don’t currently do anything, might allow the reader to relate better to the character, or get into role-playing them in a certain fashion.

The ‘respectively’ structure of the “low rumblings” sentence is a bit temporally awkward since you are bouncing back and forth in time as you read it. Could restructure.

In Customize Now, the custom address pronouns don’t have any prompt (such as: ‘What would you like to replace he/she/they with?’)

In Dive In, even if I do take after him, it’s kind of odd to immediately be bald just because my father is. A balding option might be nice to throw in at that point?

In Customize Now, hair length, typo: “abit” rather than ‘a bit’.

In Dive In, when asking about my father’s hair color you probably want ‘dyed yours’ instead of “[…] dyed it.” Otherwise it kinda sounds like you dyed your father’s hair =]

Speaking of the hair dye colors, some color descriptions to go with the names (e.g. ‘Toxicity (Dark Green)’) would be nice.

In Dive In, there is a typo on skin tone: “Oive” rather than ‘Olive’.

In the Dive In version, I tried to back out and change my fear but it couldn’t be changed despite the option (it just loops). The variant used in the Customize Now version works though.

Also, it seems that the notions of height do not seem to be sensitive to gender. 5’ 9" is not especially tall when describing the height of a male. The Dive In version makes a bit more sense since you are indirectly describing your mothers’ height.

In Customize Now, you can choose to fill out the fields in any order, allowing you to choose otherwise forbidden eye color / fear combinations.

The bit with the blankets is kind of annoying in that it feels like you don’t really get to do what you chose to.

Typo, ‘and’ outlet mall rather than an. (Cleaning dishes scene) In that scene, that last sentence (about the town’s amenities) could easily be three =]

In the tease option when Briar says: “[…] Those three stuffed more than a turkey on thanksgiving day prove that as well as this.” I had a hard time making any sense of it.

Missing the word ‘out’ I assume in: “He stuck his tongue before hopping off the porch […]”

There is a lot of exposition here about the school. Is that going to be meaningful later on? It doesn’t seem related to the story so far.

It seemed temporarily odd to me to rush past the hour without describing it at all, then flashback immediately to describe an event that just happened =?

Given the rest of the sentence I think you want ‘you are somewhere’ rather than “[y]ou were somewhere […]”.

Missing the word, ‘is’: “Realization dawning on you.”

I like that you chose to do the beginning of the capture scene in present tense. Changing back after the description works; keeping the immediacy might increase the tension though.

The description of my mother towering over the crowd behind her is unusual unless they are all female, which would be odd to assume, or she is very tall indeed.

I like that each fear is linked to the related power / primeval.

I like the idea that each of them has a different role and sphere - it seems like there are some good possibilities for story variety driven by those choices alone.

The Nerida/Nessie option is nonsensical when not talking to Nerida. I’d rather it not show up under those circumstances. It also is the only option that doesn’t become unselectable after you choose it once, and as fun as it is to ask about it over and over again, you probably shouldn’t be able to do so.

The hard cut scene changes are rather abrupt; personally I prefer some description of the events in between for the sake of continuity.

You could make use of description more in helping to set the atmosphere. For example after letting out your friends, focusing on the lingering coldness of the outdoors rather than the warmth of the inside to help set up the ambush scene.

Look forward to seeing where you go with this =]

7 Likes
#20

Hello again, my first two read through I chose to create my character before starting the story, the next time I started I went with the story, when it came to the fear, thanks for adding the description, but when I chose pyrophobia the only option that worked was “yes” when I chose “no” it just stayed in a loop asking me if this was my fear. Selected no 3 times but it just loops back to the question.