BIG UPDATE- the wars we wage (05/07) : war, love survive and win that's your goal ! (Now with 52k words )

Hi everyone, I’m a new writer on this forum (to be honest I’m overall a newbie as I started to write short fiction stories last year) and I’ve had a game idea in my head for a few months. I was so motivated that I decided to learn choice script and to share it with you all !

On a side note, I currently have around 20k+ content written but I’m only posting this short bit to see what you think about my writing style (which might be quite weird) and to edit my work as it goes. I’m also a non native english speaker so I hope that you’ll be indulgent toward my mistakes.

Now, into the thick of it !

Summary

After dying an unfair death from the hand of a demented coworker, you see yourself reincarnated in an alternate world where magic, and different races exist.
But careful, the path to your freedom is far from over,
for life is a right you fight for.

more down to earth summary of the game

You died, then got reincarnated into a world were magic makes might and right.
Fortunately, you’ve got a lot of magic.
Unfortunately, the world will stand on your path toward your goals.
Fight it, or die again.
The choice is yours.

Romance

In the current demo, you wont have any interaction with the RO, but there will be 7-8 RO, some of them will have their genders determined by your sexual orientation, others will be genderlocked

06/06 : you will interact with 1 to 3 RO depending of the sexual orientation you choose !
05/07 : after the poll result, God interaction will have some romantic undertones.

Trigger warning ?

I don’t think I’m that good at writing traumatizing scenes but you will come across :
-gun violence
-knife violence
-light non consensual advances (just one sentence which can be easily overlooked if you don’t look for it, and anyways it’s not in the demo I’m posting right now)
-some talks about torture
-as the title of the story says, you’ll live through war, so some description of violence
-disablement description and aftermath

In this demo you will

29/05 : -Congratulation, you died ! Explore one of the fully fleshed out ways to die (out of three) + your rebirth
=total 3,9k words

30/05 : 2/3 ways of dying uploaded + the beginning of your new life (careful, things will never go your way)
=total playable word count 13,2 k words

06/06 : You get to interact with potential RO + some explanations about your situation + full body customization
=total playable word count : 20k words !

23/06 : You finally reach the party…and fumble upon someone who doesn’t want you any good. Thankfully you’ll have a good interaction with one of your friend which will allow you to take a small revenge on your opp.
Some possible RO interaction or platonic !
=total playable word count : 34k words !

05/07 : We are finally getting some plot heavy dev in this update with the principle of bounding vows, mana stone cores and a new hurdle thrown at our mc.
Meet the goofy (but is she really though ?) Empress !
See the begining of what God could have in store for you ! (And it’s nothing good)
total playable word count = 52k words !

Demo link

https://dashingdon.com/go/11314

@Dhruv_Jyoti reminded me that I forgot to share where I found the inspiration for this story :
the big lines of the plot is based of my favorite anime, Youjo Senki/ Saga of Tanya the Evil, so if you want to check it out, it might help you see (really loosely) how the mc will evolve and the reason why my writing/narrating style will be a bit peculiar. Thank you !

@quartz thank you for pointing out awkwardness in the wording of some passages and giving me some ways to improve them !
As I said in the beginning, I’m not a native english speaker so whenever someone finds typos, syntaxic, lexical errors, if you can point them out to me (or even better, give me an example or rewording the sentence :star_struck:) it would be super nice !

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At moment can’t put my finger on it but something feels off towards the beginning like word usage but otherwise is okay though think perhaps some further choices might be had during the conversation might further help flesh out are feelings on the unfairness but.

Yet from the little I’ve played it’s interesting and look forward to seeing what else you can do with your story. Now to go back to where I left off lol

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There’s a typo when we meet god and he says fool language - it should be foul language.

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Hey ! Thank you for the quick feedback, I also feel that the beginning is a bit awkward (because I started writing months ago so I wasn’t as much at ease as I am now), so thanks for pointing this out ! I’ll work this out soon :smiley:

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Thanks for this ! Have you seen other typos ??

Do we have a canonical occupation in our previous life, maybe one that carries over to affect our stats/knowledge in the new life? Do we get to choose that at some point? Or does it not really matter?

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English is not my first language but when we face our coworker it says face THE coworker i think it should be face our coworker.

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So the occupation I had in mind was some kind of work in finance, like some really time and life consuming job but with a good salary (the job is a bit more delved into in the two other death paths I’ve already written and that I’ll put in the demo when I revise them).
The job won’t really matter in itself, but its caracteristics : long hours, high thinking capacities and physical/mental endurance will be character traits that will be acknowledged by others.

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Summary reminds me of Youjo Senki. Excited to see more, just that the starting part felt a bit weird.

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I like this. has a good flow, story wise.

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That’s exactly the series that inspired me ! You should await a youjo senki with a more or less apostate Tanya, romance and a few more plot twists. (youjo senki is one of my favorite manga tbh).
Please do tell me what I could improve according to you in the beginning ? Because I also find it weird lol XD

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One thing that stood out was that the colleague had no actual reason to kill us. Just went you were distant so now DIE!

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Thank you a lot for the compliment ! : D

heheh actually the reason why the colleague killed us will be developped later on, and a little spoiler :

the colleague wasn’t really themselves, as I tried to emphasis with their craziness contrasting with their usual good relationship with mc, and you will encounter them again. (that’s the reason why I let the choice of the gender to the player ;D

But yeah I agree that dying like this a bit like wtf bro you are really going to off me because I’m not super kind ??? XD

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Finally isekai story invade this forum.
There is 3 isekai wip right now and i think there will be more later.
I believe your works here will be compared a lot against other wips especially kingdoms and empires because that game already have big fanbase and have similar start which is reincaranated by death which nothing new in isekai story.
Unless you can differentiate your early story from others no doubt many say you plagiarize and people will lost interest and ignore this thread.
My point is, you should release your demo once you have decent amount content so that readers understand that you have different story here despite having similar starts. Releasing too early will makes people ignore and forget your story because of its similarity to other isekais.

I’ll be honest and harsh here, as of now there is nothing special which i can get from your demo which i didnt get from other isekais in this forum. If i dont know isekais better i believe you plagiarize others and have no creativity here.
Clearly you have a disadvantage as latecomer here but dont let it discourage you.

Anyway good luck

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Okay thanks for taking the time to write this constructive review as you make a legitimate point ! I’ve got 20k of content that I will release during this week as I rewrite it.
It’s true that isekais are quite similar in the beginning, but in my story, I’ll try to use the isekai element as a device to
1/ Further the determination of the mc (as they died in a violent way) on their way to reach the desired goals + make the mc more cold hearted and goal oriented (people fear less things that they have already experienced, so the mc will be able to take some brutal decisions, ones that someone in our society wouldn’t take, with the justification of having already experienced death thus being less wary of being hurt)

2/Make the mc mature and intelligent without them being a genius overpowered child (the character is a 20+, nearing 30 years old, so of course they will be able to have more distance on the things that happen to them)

I hope that you’ll come back around this wip once more playable content is released : D

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That last part of the demo is funny. This is good, G’Luck with this.

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I personally enjoyed it, can’t wait for the rest!

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Thank you a lot ! I always try to put a little bit of humor in my writing, with more or less success I’ll concede lol, so I’m glad that I’m not totally flopping on this side : D

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I’m glad you liked it ! I’ll update really soon and I hope that it won’t disappoint :grin:

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