Replaying this is amazing
Hi everyone! I’ve rewritten Eric’s fourth subplot scene. As a reminder of his subplot (spoilers):
Scene 1: You train with him at his combat club.
Scene 2: You train with him, and Chloe barges in, telling him to fight at the Pearl River Cup.
Scene 3: You visit his mentor, Master Wong, in a remote village, where Eric continues to struggle with his inner conflict.
This scene 4 replaces the previous one. The big difference is at the end, where Eric makes a request that he did not make in the previous version of the scene.
Please try out this new scene here.
I’d like to hear your comments, especially about whether the “wrong” choice feels too harsh or if it feels appropriate.
Thank you! I’ve been rewriting parts of the story which I felt were not up to scratch, which is why there won’t be new content for a few more weeks. You’re helping me by testing it out and giving me feedback!
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Hello everyone, I’ve updated the first post in this thread with the latest version. This latest version features significantly improved content for Eric’s subplot, fourth scene, and the Chloe fight. Some people commented that Chloe’s fight scene gave off some sexualized vibes, so I’ve done my best to remove those. Eric’s subplot now has a decision at the end of the scene which is more impactful.
I think the game is now in a fairly good state, and on the right track. Therefore, I don’t plan on posting further updates. I will complete the game and go directly to beta testing instead.
Thank you to everyone for your feedback, especially at the start, which has proved invaluable! I’ve managed to solve many thorny issues with it.
Until the full release!
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This is my first time reading a boxing story. It reminds me a lot of Ranma 1/2 in a way, which is so nice. I really like this! I also really love that a lot of the options and narration read exactly how I think or do things in real life. Katie is currently my favorite character.
Unrelated feedback: it felt nice to read an accurate academic thesis. 200 papers, though, is impressive. Is she getting a terminal masters or a doctoral degree? Did we sit there and read 200 pages? It normally takes me a couple hours to do that, so I often start with the abstract and results first.
What do you think of the chapter 5 walk? I’m experimenting with a slightly different structure. My hope is that the walk feels very different in vibe depending on who you walk with, but I’m unsure if this is achieved.
overall
Ah, yes, I remember you discussing about turtle jelly in the Writer’s Support thread. This doesn’t read as strange as I’ve gone many chapters reading different kinds of HK delicacies. The old woman described in the walk just reads so beautifully. I loved the imagery. Oh, and thanks for the cultural lesson about the hungry ghosts. Lastly, I think the walk is a great break in the narrative.
eric
Feels reflective, as Eric often is. The mentions of the HK city and the love hotel were such small things I never would have thought of focusing on in a scene. Of course places like love hotels would exist in HK! So insightful.
Other Walks
My saves immediately deleted when I finished the demo, so I’ll return to these walks when I have some more free time.
What do you think of Chloe’s character? I worry that she’s a bit too “stock” or “tropey.”
Summary
Chloe’s First Introduction
I was drawn to there’s something off about the way she carries herself option. She seems a blend of athletic and feminine, which is always nice to see that women can model masculinity and femininity without compromising the other.
Her hyperactivity serves as a good foil for Eric. I’ll admit when I read the line “You catch a whiff of ozone…. He glances at his hand, stares at Chloe, and takes a long, slow breath”, it didn’t make much sense to me at first. I think for me it read it as Eric wanting to punch her while Chloe hasn’t done anything other than be plucky and opinionated. The options also seem like I should feel offended and that Chloe is antagonistic. Re-reading, I think Eric was just trying to calm his anger.
The next page I read after I selected Watch Eric’s hands read as great trash-talking. I was able to tell by now Chloe is being aggressive. Chloe seems to be the most active character so far, more than Eric and our MC, which makes her refreshing.
Summary
Build Up to Chloe’s Fight
It did feel someone tense as the time ticked by. Learning pieces about Chloe here and there was pretty interesting, but nothing changed from my thoughts from her first introduction. She’s unpredictable, active, and refreshing.
Summary
Chloe’s Fight
I can see where you’re concerned about her being too “tropey”. With her wisecracks and quips, I can see it. She has moments of softness and humility in-between (or at least in my fight), which make her feel more dynamic. Super interesting to see control fight for control and dominance. In a way, it mirrors Katie’s feeling a loss on control in social situations. Not sure if the connection is intentional.
Is this the feedback you’re looking for? Let me know. 
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I don’t even like boxing, but this is fun.
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Thank you so much! This is EXACTLY the feedback that I’m looking for, because it’s detailed and specific, and so it directly helps me to improve it! I do appreciate the general compliments and enthusiasm, which is very nice, but this is even more actionable.
Katie’s academic thesis is a research master’s, and 200 papers should be on the weightier side but not overdoing it. The PC is not supposed to be well versed in academia so they would be reading the abstract, results, skim the methodology, and skip the literature review.
I’m happy the chapter 5 walk landed for you — I’m fairly confident in the content and the writing there, and my main concern was the pacing. If it works as a refresher, that’s great!
Thanks, good catch — I hadn’t established that Chloe was deliberately antagonizing Eric yet, so it reads as just casual banter. I’ve fixed this in my local version!
Yes! If Katie is your favorite character, I’d really like to know about how you feel about the romance content. There’s some in the academic thesis scene, and also in the chapter 5 walk scene. What I’m unsure about is… because I wanted to keep it realistic and like something that would happen in a real relationship with someone with Katie’s personality, it might be very slow burn. (Since she isn’t aggressive, unlike the Chloe romance). So is it TOO slow-burn?
And secondly, are the romance options clear enough? There isn’t a heart symbol next to the romance options. Wondering if it comes through that “hey this is romance, pick this!”
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Saw this for the first time, played through book 1. I liked the grounded writing style, very detailed, though it’s a funny contrast with the pressure points and fireballs. Not a criticism exactly, might be nice to bridge these zanier ideas with the real world, some reference to how they have been absorbed in the larger culture. In any case, I’m very interested in future updates.
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Thank you! I’m working on it.
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Hi! Your post on the Dec writer support thread reminded me that I did read your WIP a couple of weeks ago and had thoughts on it (though definitely not the kind of criticism being discussed on that thread at the moment!).
- I like your prose overall. The relatively sparse, factual style isn’t necessarily to my taste but I think that you execute it well and I’m pretty sure that it’s a stylistic choice that is well realized, given that where you do go for more evocative language and styling (like the Danny stuff) you knock it out of the park in my opinion.
- I really, really liked the Danny fight and segments, for what it’s worth. It felt like a peek into a more mysterious and mystical world that the protagonist seemed otherwise indifferent to or unaware of, despite Danny being much less overtly ‘supernatural’ than, e.g. Eric.
- Fight balancing seemed pretty good overall. I won all my fights first try, so I was inclined to say it might be too easy, but reviewing posts on this thread I suspect that I might have gotten lucky here and there.
- I like the very grounded approach to a world with superhuman elements, but I don’t know if at points it feels too grounded and supernatural stuff actively breaks the immersive feeling of your writing. I think for the most part you effectively convey the feeling of a world where these supernatural techniques are not unheard of and don’t warrant a big deal being made of them, but with Eric in particular I felt during the fight that there was a bit of a disconnect between me as reader and my protagonist.
- On the topic of the protagonist; I did feel a bit as though they were the least interesting part of their own story. You realize the supporting cast so well, and I would have loved the opportunity to shape my character a little more in the prologue in terms of having some steer in what drove them to boxing and how they manage the juxtaposition between their fighting and corporate life. They never really felt like my character, or someone I was steering as a person at all, if that makes sense at all?
- To briefly answer something you actually asked for feedback on, I liked Chloe and thought her more antagonistic energy brought something interesting to the cast.
Hopefully at least some of this is helpful / constructive - apologies, I would have liked to cite specific scenes and quotes but was sloppy with note-taking when I read through.
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So the vibe is great. Nice to see an accurate HK setting. Few things though :
(1) People in HK use HK Dollars as currency. The market trader would not say “eight yuan”, but “eight man” (“baat mun”) instead.
(2) On the status screen it says “Your energy determines close your current stats are to their maximum values.” - I think there’s a missing “how” here
Really like how much detail there is here, it’s incredibly detailed and quite well written.
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I lost every one lol, not a good gamer probably 
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Thanks so much for taking the time to write this up! This is incredibly useful because it’s so thoughtful and specific.
You’re right about the prose style, it’s a deliberate choice to convey a specific atmosphere, and the Danny content is deliberately shifted for that purpose as well.
Your comment on the supernatural element and immersion-breaking is also fair. The biggest issue is Eric. The chapter introduction builds up his supernatural powers, but the first time he throws a fireball, there’s barely any reaction from the PC. I will be fixing this, by adding significantly more PC reaction and changing the framing a bit.
You’re also right that the PC is a bit too blank. It needs more grounding in the prologue. I have a fairly strong authorial vision for the PC’s motivations, so I plan to include this (but not as a choice). This is a great catch too.
I really appreciate you taking your time to write all of this out!
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Thanks for the heads-up on the status screen! I’ve fixed that typo in my local version 
For the yuan scene, I didn’t give enough context for the reader to infer — she’s supposed to be a mainland livestreamer selling to a mainland audience. I’ve now added “in rapid Putonghua” to that paragraph:
Fluorescent light blasts your vision. A young woman, ring light haloing her head, moves backwards, livestreaming in rapid Putonghua. Too much subtle makeup. She has a ballet shoe in one hand, pressed to her face like a vintage telephone. “Only 88 yuan for this genuine quality shoe! Only 50 yuan more, to make it a pair.”
And thank you for your compliment on the detail! It’s much slower to write, but I want to make something that reads well.
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Man I can’t no more I have been holding my impatience down for a while till this peak fully marinates but now I can’t I’m playing it today course ain’t no way
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Can’t let it marinate like a manhwa bro, gotta dive in immediately
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