Before the Incident [Updated 3/30/2024, 71,931 words!] [Superpower, Supernatural, Action] [WIP]

Genre: Fantasy, Young Adult, Superpower, Action, Supernatural

Hello everyone, you may know me as the creator of Remnant: Twenty-One! I decided to make a companion piece with the main story just to deal with writer’s block. Lately, I’ve been in a rut with my other WIP, so I created this WIP to work out my creative juices!

Blurb: You and your best friend haven’t talked to each other in a while. Until one day, your friend reaches out to you about Starford Festival. Celebrate the festival with your best friend and reminisce about your past together! Tradition says when you light sparklers while watching the late-night fireworks, a great change will come to your life! Enjoy a slice-of-life-filled prologue!

Word Count: 71931 words

DEMO: https://dashingdon.com/go/15654

Longer Synopsis (Contains SPOILERS)

This story takes place around 1.5 years before the main events of Remnant: Twenty-One. You never knew demons existed until now. Join the Organization and take arms to enact a battle against the Apostles, a secret society that wishes to open the Gates of Hell. Manifest your powers based on the prologue. Will you get your revenge or will you fall before you can achieve it?+

Romance Options

(Apollo/Anna) [M/F] Your best friend you haven’t spoken to in a year. Celebrate the Starford Festival with them and recall the memories you had together in high school and college. Perhaps you can find love at the festival as well?

(Syo) [M] An odd man with an eye patch. He has a casual attitude to most things and has a lax personality. However, it seems as if he knows a lot more than he actually leads on.

(???) [F] A stoic woman with strong convictions. She’s quite serious most of the time. She gives Syo a hard time for his laziness. She wants what’s best for people and wishes for them to reach their full potential, although her methods can be quite unhealthy.

(???) [M/F] This person has a wild heart and a passionate personality. They can be quite too much for people and they’re intense all around. Abrasive and rude. Could there be more layers to this individual?

(???) [M/F] This person was born from a high-stature. Manners are everything in this world. Reputation is king. How you present yourself is life and death. They have high expectations of how people should behave. Are you proper enough?

(???) [M/F] You’re on opposing sides. Is it possible for you to shake this person’s convictions and join you? Or will you meet a tragic fate in your journey for their love?

Powers (MAJOR SPOILERS)

Based on the prologue, some of the decisions you make will reflect on what kind of contract you will form. A Contract is essentially a superpower. You will find out what sort of abilities you will unlock by the end of the prologue. The story will contain three Contracts you can form.

Wanderer: You can switch between a magical katana and a revolver. You have higher physical prowess and agility with this Contract. Your foes won’t be able to keep up with your speed and aim. You essentially cover both long-range and short-range. Fuel your desire for vengeance.

Painter: You wield an ink brush that allows you to paint constructs and summons. Use your creative skills to deal with your foes. The world is your canvas and only you can paint your retribution.

Arbiter: Words are powerful. Especially when they can bend reality. Manipulate your targets to convince them of lies. These lies will become their truths and ultimately their downfall. The world is unfair, so why not fix it with your justice?

Remnant: Twenty One

If you would like to check out my other WIP, Remnant: Twenty One click below:
Remnant: Twenty One (WIP) [April Announcement] [Word Count: 225,948 Words!]

Looking for feedback on any pronoun errors! I would love to hear your thoughts if this is the type of story you would like to see! I’d especially would like to hear your thoughts on the prologue!

Tumblr: https://remnant-verse-if.tumblr.com/

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Changelog:
2/11/2024 - Prologue added [22k words]
3/30/2024 - Chapters 1, 2, and part of 3 added [~50k words]

149 Likes

another superpowers WIP, I’m sold

prologue had me hooked good stuff, definitely wasn’t expecting that :skull:

Grammar

You look around the indoor ice rink. You look around.

That sentence feels weird cause of the repetition, remove “You look around.” for better flow.

Actually that whole part just feels weird

You look around the indoor ice rink. You look around. There’s a decent amount of people. Some families. Some couples. Lots of children zoom around the rink.

What about something like this(suggestion)

You look around the indoor ice rink. Laughter bounces off the walls as families huddle by the boards, cheering on their wobbly skaters. Couples glide hand-in-hand. . . . . . .

bro I didn’t even notice that the first time reading, why is that actually funny :sob:

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whine Really? Black Coffee? who drink that? peoples who lives in a Black Hole?..I want Coffee! :joy:

“Sheesh, that was a long walk.” (remind me to bury you alive once I can stand up again)…now that’s what a true friend would say :face_with_hand_over_mouth:)

found: Anna is to your right. A quick shake to your shoulder. She’s voice is quiet. (should be her voice is quiet)

found: She tightens you into a hug as you cry into their her chest. (remove ‘their’)

@coal8 Just like that? Wow…easy pawn huh lol I demand real coffee!

found: The way Her hair blows against the wind. (this sentence is weird. How about ‘The way her hair move with the wind’ or something?)

found: Lost in another fantasy land. She’s so excited, she wraps his arm around your shoulder. (his arm= her arm)

found: Friend groups laugh together as they try to learn together. (This line is weird, how about ‘Some are gathered in group, laughing at each others as they learn those first step on the ice’)

found: Thankfully, the person in front was kind enough to let you leave your 0 with them. (Your what?)

(Waaaaaaaaah Anna is so cuteeeeeeeeeeeee)

found: You raise a brow. “You want to kiss?”

“No. No. Let’s skate together like that. I’m sure you’ve done it before.” (Someone get me a billboard so she can see THA FEELINGS! :rofl:)

found: You have too many ‘Woah’, cut on those a bit and look for a substitute.

found: Anna’s eyes shine. “Woah! You made that?” (No, Someone from space made it lol but seriously. She know you were painting, so the question is off putting. How about instead ‘Wow, it’s beautiful.’ ?)

found: You finally got a booth as you and Anna followed the host to a more secluded restaurant. (restaurant? Don’t you mean corner?)

found: “Thank you. It’s nice to see you in person after a while.” (replace after a while = after so long)

found: If it weren’t for Anna constantly annoying to eat with their meals, you’d probably add hunger as a reason for sleep. (feel weird, try this: if it weren’t for Anna constantly reminding you to eat, you’d probably add hunger as a reason for sleep’. Although Hunger actually erase sleep…unless you reach the Level of Starvation which mean you are hungry, but you have zero energy to move anymore)

found: she was bombarded with questions to ask if you were okay (she bombarded you with questions to see if you were okay)

found: Anna would discuss you about her day (Anna would tell you about her day)

found: Anna name holds your dangling hand (name? Try gently, softly, slowly)

found: “I do, but I want to you say it. So then I can tell you how I feel like the luckiest person in this world.” (I want you to say it)

found: Annasmiles and rolls her thumb on your watch. (Anna stuck on a smiles…what a sweet farewell lol)

found: “I hear your desires. A desire that burns bright like the sun. A desire as cold as space itself. A desire louder than everyone else.” (Hmmm, everyone else? Shouldn’t be better ’ A desire louder than everything else.‘’?)

found: You sigh. “I don’t think you’re going to believe.” (believe me)

found: The man leans forward. “Any information is good information. Just say it.” (Just say = Just tell me)

found: He pulls out a photo. “Tell me, did the suited man who attacked the two of you last night, look at this?” (Okay, try this: I want you to look at this picture and see if you recognize him. Was it him?)

found: It gave you the power to slay the demon you saw the night." (the night= that night)

Well I think that’s everything, Good Luck! :+1:

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YOOOOO Persona IF???

Jokes aside really nice prologue, Especially that end. Only thing I would like to point out is that I feel there aren’t really many choices to flesh out the MCs personality but maybe that’s just a prologue thing idk.

Anyways great work!

1 Like

I’d like to thank @coal8 and @E_RedMark for the grammar feedback, I realized proofreading at 5 AM was probably not the best idea, so I appreciate the time taken to give me feedback! I believe I fixed most of the things given! :grin:

Thank you! I’m glad that you liked it!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Ngl, I thought the exact same thing when I was writing the contract scene, definitely was inspired by the awakening scenes from Persona 5 haha! Also, I’m happy you enjoyed the prologue! As for your concern with the MC’s personality, I was thinking about adding more development choices in chapter 1 rather than the prologue after the events in it. Thanks for reading!

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Now that some time has past, I was wondering what you ended up at the end of the prologue :eyes:

Which one did you get?
  • Wanderer
  • Painter
  • Arbiter
0 voters

I’d also love to hear your thoughts on the powers available. I’ll try my best to balance them along the way!

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Even though I hated this character (asshole)…when I saw Painter, I totally went for it. Because outside of the asshole character, Loved how Original his powers were.

So you can bet in your story that’s totally what happen :grin:

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interesting

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Nooooo, Apollo… :sob::sob::sob: does A. comes back?

It was hella good (pun intended) :heart_eyes: I love the characters and the story. Give’me mooooooore :heart_eyes::heart_eyes::heart_eyes::heart_eyes:

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It’s okay to take your time so you don’t lose motivation but make sure you never forget your goal to finish your game so you don’t have regret

Also this new game beginning quite good

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:joy_cat::joy_cat::joy_cat: And here I am, I went with it because I like painting irl… Boring me.

Although I kinda liked the aesthetics of arbiter power.

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I loved this, even more than Remnant 21, and can’t wait for more!

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@E_RedMark I was definitely envisioning something like that when coming up with this power.

@Queen_Zelda

Who knows? :eyes: Thank you haha!

@Saf11
Don’t worry I don’t plan on forgetting Remnant: Twenty-One. I think one of the major reasons I had to take a break was because it was just really depressing to write haha. I think the MC went through so much in such a short amount of time, especially in the routes if your teammate dies. But yeah, I needed a break from that. Also, I’m glad you like the companion piece so far!

@Empress_Nightmare I’m happy that you liked the arbiter power. I think it was the power that was the most fun to write!

@FabulousBlasphemer

Thank you, I wanted to make a companion piece where that explores what it’s like to be in the Organization. (Ex. having your own Contract and going on missions). I purposely wrote Remnant: Twenty-One where you’re near the end of someone’s story which already breaks the standard formula of a story which can be quite hard to get into.) I’m happy that you enjoy this companion piece!

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Good so far.

And crushed by what happened. Thanks. Looking forward to more updates!

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I- I profess my love to my adorable Apollo, just so he can be ripped away from me immediately?! :sob:

I picked painter and it seems I wasn’t the only one that was reminded of Sai from Naruto.
Loving the story so far, and as much as I’m enjoying Apollo’s route, I’m also looking forward to trying out Syo too :+1: Great job

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Thank you! I hope you’ll like for what’s to come! :grin:

I’m glad you enjoyed A’s route. It was really fun writing it and I hope you’ll like Syo as a character as well :eyes:

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Hi everyone,
I’ve been working hard on Before the Incident, I’m about 20k additional words so far since the prologue. I’m about to write a fight scene and was wondering what approaches you all like with fight scenes in this format. I’m trying to figure out a sustainable way to write fight scenes since I have three different powers to write. I’d also be happy to hear about any interactive WIPs or completed stories that you found the fights engaging with.

Also, I made a new cover for both this story and Remnant: Twenty-One! I hope you like it and maybe you can figure out what I’m going to cook up soon :eyes:

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Oh, the covers look really nice :smiley: you did a great job!
do you have examples how you would like to write the battle / fighting scene?
I wrote my scenes for my fanfictions while I watched the series I write for (Naruto as example, with the thoughts of changing the battles slightly to narrate my own battle style. I’m sorry that I can’t give you something to read about it because my old writings are in German)

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I’m glad that you liked the book cover! As for how I want battles to play out, I’m not a huge fan of the typical four common stats (Ex. strength, agility, intelligence, and charisma). I realized stat checks aren’t that fun to read or write personally [I learned this when I wrote Remnant 21]. Since there are three possible Contracts and I want to give at least two minimum choices for each Contract in a battle, we’re looking at 6 times the word count for each part in a fight where there’s a choice.

I don’t really struggle with writing fight scenes normally, it’s more like I’m struggling to implement a proper system that’ll allow for character expression in fight scenes without stat checks…if that makes any sense. Any suggestions of WIPs or finished works that you think did fights well or had interesting systems would be greatly appreciated!

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NOOO… You can’t give me a best friend to lovers romance and then immediately snatch her away from me :sob::sob::sob:

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