A mistake.
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Fixed. Check again
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Hi Sambit,
Love your work and your amazing story, do you have Patreon so we can subscribe to you?
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Thank you so much for your support. I haven’t made a Patreon yet because the story is still in it’s infancy, I may in future.
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Thank you!
It’s interesting, and the concept is great! There are a lot of typos, however, especially with capitalization. It makes it hard to read and follow sometimes. There also are not really many choices for your actual input? I am fine with having a more set character, but it feels inconsistent, especially with the choices you do provide. Having more input would improve the story greatly, imo. Another issue is at times it feels, bloated? Or over descriptive, a few times you describe a place multiple times when one would work fine. A tip that really improved my writing is if what you write is removed, and the story still makes sense and reads the same way, you can cut the extra. Another thing is, you tell more than you show. It makes the story feel more dry and clinical, almost like a non-fiction. Work more on immersing the player in the scene rather than just describing it flat. A big issue related to that is often it feels like the MC is being told what they think, rather than feel like actual thoughts they are having.
More ability to customize your character would be nice. What color hair do I have? My skin tone? What do I like to wear? Stuff like that, What do the stats even do? Most of the choices do not even affect them
Your character work is great, they feel real and fleshed out so far, especially the basketball scene. It’s for sure one of your strongest areas
Sorry if my critique feels particularly brutal, but I really do think it has potential. The lore, theme and world are creative and intriguing, it’s just the writing that needs to be improved to really bring your vision to light, and I do think you can do that if you can polish the rough edges. Especially since your writing did get better and better as the story progressed.
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Thank you so much for the feedback. Regarding the stats, I’m planning to remove them in the next update.
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