Awoken (Fantasy WIP) - updated 16/May/2017

Nor mine…

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There may be a few more of those :confused: for some reason the choice options as dialogue always catches me out.

"It’s one of my many charming traits. As you used to know all too well.

How about we start with a simple question for you? What is your name?"
The sentence would flow better if there wasn’t space between these two lines. I would have called it a typo, but I know LordofLA from a previous thread, and long story short, we couldn’t agree on shit.

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There is error in code when you run away from stranger and refuse to come back to safehouse.
If it means anything I took an axe.
They move towards you, raising a hand. You reach for your {$weapon}, but the few words the stranger speaks dig their way into your mind. Everything goes…

…dark

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Post redacted. Hah! I bet you suckers want to know what I wrote…well you can’t! Oh, wait…there’s an edit notification…

I just have a more relaxed approach to grammar when it comes to informal writing. I’m not much use correcting formal written English however.

My general rule of thumb is that if you write as you speak, you’re not far wrong in terms of grammar. This is more true of native English speakers though. People with English as an additional language tend to get sentence structures backwards.

For instance, French speakers would say “The table blue” which is backwards to English sentence structure but correct in French and to the best of my knowledge, most of the other mainland European languages.

The room is large enough that the ball’s light leaves the corners in darkness.
I can’t resist…the ball is glowing.

Shine a torch through the skin?

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In that area? Ouch…

Really, who are you?
Where are you taking me?
Missing quotations.

you should mention that these are quotes from the game, you sound like you’re questioning your sanity :smiley:

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"Your ‘stern face’ isn’t what it used to be, you know.

I’m … a friend."
I don’t like the sound of that pause
How do I know that?
Do you have a name?
There’s a sentence break, the first choice is missing punctuation while the other two have them, and all three lack quotations.

“I have a name. When you remember what it is, that’s what you can call me.” Shouldn’t it be when instead of what?

Somewhere you’ll be safe … for the moment. You’ll need to recover yourself for what is to come. Prepare sounds…better, for lack of a better word, than recover.

I liked the demo very much. I have to be honest here I thought the plot was going in a completely different way at first.

So, evil path here? I can’t wait to discover more about the story.

The wyvern has a complicated system of leather and metal straps around its body and neck, with a saddle on its back shaped around its spikes.

Making soothing noises at the wyvern, you grab its harness and pull yourself up into the saddle.

The stranger sits in front of you, settling their cloak around them fussily. “Hold on tight,” they say. “I would hate to go to all this trouble just to have you fall to your death mid-flight.”

At a flick of the rein, the wyvern rears, spreading its wings to their full extent. Then it throws itself forwards, off the edge of the mountain.
Wouldn’t all the its in these paragraphs be it’s because they’re possessive?
EDIT: this sentence too. Just as you’re sure you’re all going to crash into unforgiving stone, the wyvern flaps its wings, sending you upwards in one surge of motion.

“Give me the reins - I know this wyvern can outfly them!”
Have you no magic that will destroy them?
Can your magic hide us?
Last two missing quotations.

it’s = it is/has.

its = it belongs to

e.g it’s cold so it’s wearing its coat.

Just another of the many exceptions to the rules of English :smiley:

The boy possessive=the boy’s boss=boss’ dragon=dragon’s
Finally the wyvern leaps upwards and you break free from the tree cover, rising again into the sky. You seem to have shaken your pursuit, at least for now.
Should be pursuers.