Attollo [WIP] [Holiday Bonus - 12.24.2020]

Oh my goodness, this is happening.

Hi everyone!! I’ve kinda been on this site for a hot minute, and getting exposed to all the wonderful works has encouraged me to finally take the story I’ve been planning for years now and make it into something! So, without further ado, let me introduce Attollo!

Attollo is a cybernoir thriller set mainly in the fictional city of Attollo, a walled-off city located in the Atlantic that’s still dealing with the aftermath of a nuclear meltdown, aptly named ‘The Rapture’. What came from this was a rise in genetic mutations that resulted in ‘superpowers’-people possessing abilities that shouldn’t exist. Attollo was subsequently closed off using numerous wards to keep people from entering or exiting the city. Everyone believed, once this was completed, that the city would be an essential no man’s land. Unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned.

Enter: you.

After several years of radio silence, you receive a message from your younger sibling that carries a strange sense of urgency to it. Either out of familial concern, or boredom, you embark on a journey from your residence to your siblings apartment in New Hampshire to see what’s wrong and then get on with your life. Too bad it’s never so simple.

Deal with cults, interdimensional entities, and far too many people with superpowers (where, for once, you’re the odd one out) in your journey to bring your sibling back from an underworld far out of your control.

Available So Far
  • Prologue and Chapter 1 at about 27,000+ words overall
Romance, and comments regarding romance

There are currently 6 RO’s planned for this game.

  • Pariah (NB, Mid 20’s, true identity unknown) - Attollo’s resident vigilante and the leader of the Triumvirate, a group of three that are working together to put an end to the criminal underworld run by The Crowes Court and Ovo. Pariah was born in Attollo post-Rapture and demonstrated their abilities of darkness manipulation at a very early age. They’ve been working to wipe out the underworld since they were a teenager, alongside their companions, and carry themselves with a stern, standoffish personality earned from being in the city for too long. Pariah stands at about 5’6” with a helmet and visor that covers their appearance, although their skin appears to be a rich, russet-brown color. Pariah also appears to have hearing loss on their right side, which they attribute to an incident that occurred at the beginning of their career. Pariah is asexual and is one of the routes where suggestive content will not be included.

  • Detective Vasilisia Soloveva (F, Late 20’s) - Vasilisia’s family heralds from St. Petersburg and immigrated to Attollo before The Rapture occurred. Vasilisia is one of the few individuals working for Attollo’s singular police department, the CAP, working as an undercover operative for several years before being promoted to the homicide/robbery squad. Vasilisia has extensive knowledge of powered individuals abilities, having been born before the first powered individual was, and uses a database designed by the CAP and The Operator to detail powers currently present in Attollo. Vasilisia has short cut blonde hair that she keeps pushed back from her face and stands at approximately 5’4”. She’s known to be a sympathetic individual who will go above and beyond to help those in need. She has a firm belief in the work of the Triumvirate and hopes to see an end of the underworld trade in the future.

  • The Operator (M, Early 20’s, true identity unknown) - The Operator is a bit of an enigma in Attollo. Because the city no longer has connections to mainlands, Attollo runs on its own electrical grid, which is subsequently controlled by The Operator who moderates all transmissions and camera footage in the city. The Operator has been present since The Rapture, but it is assumed that the current Operator is a second-generation worker. When he makes an appearance (for example, on the jumbo screen in Attollo’s entertainment district at one point), he is depicted as a black silhouette with a white line for his mouth that moves with every word. He works with neither Ovo nor Triumvirate, but rather maintains a perfectly neutral ground. He’s been described as a playful individual who holds a great deal of passion for both his job and the city, as well as an interest in the development of the city’s political circles. He takes a special interest in the MC for their position as an outsider as well as a non-powered individual.

  • Dreamwalker (M, Late 20’s, true identity unknown) - A boogeyman that is known to enter the dreams of Attollo residents. His powers consist of dream manipulation and embodiment, allowing him complete control over an individual’s dreams while they remain asleep. Reports have been detailed that injuries inflicted by the Dreamwalker in this sleep-realm can be reflected on the individual in the physical realm. Dreamwalker is, therefore, the main suspect for several murders ordered out by the organization Ovo and stands as one of Attollo’s most wanted powered individuals. He has been described as a male in his late 20’s, standing at approximately 5’11 with a thin build. Despite not being able to recall exact features, many people do remember his eyes, which they describe as akin to two golden suns. He is known to present himself with a polite mannerism, has a grim sense of humor, and is incredibly cunning in his tactics.

  • Sysba (Gender selected by player, age indeterminate, original name: ‘Ymnar) - Sysba is an interdimensional being that is believed to be an Outer God, spawned by another for the purpose of destruction. Sysba has the ability to morph their form into any appearance they choose, and therefore has no set appearance. However, Sysba has frequently been reported to take on the appearance of Asian descent, with black eyes and black hair, and often stands between 5’7”-6’2” depending on the gender of their form. Those who have seen Sysba’s true form fail to truly describe it, but do point out that the great gaping maw with multiple rows of teeth stands out a fair amount. Sysba is known to be affiliated with Ovo, and is aware of the Dreamwalkers identity. Sysba is known to be charming and enjoys gambling, which at times has been costly for Ovo. It is unknown how they feel about the human race, given that they were banished to Earth unwillingly, but so far they haven’t tried to wipe it out.

  • Suha Sobhi (F, Mid 20’s) - Employed by The Crowes Court, the current heads of Attollo’s underworld, Suha is the face of Attollo’s business realm and is the first individual anyone who wants to deal with The Crowes Court meets. Her past is murky, but she has been under the care of The Crowes Court since she was a child, leading to rumors that she may be the pending heir. Suha is of Middle Eastern descent and wears a hijab alongside her typical business attire. She stands at approximately 5’7” and is a passionate individual who finds it difficult to detect sarcasm. She has a strong commitment to The Crowes Court and her career, controls several sections of the underworld, and is committed to wiping out the threat that is Ovo in order to maintain The Crowes Court’s current position of authority.

Romance in this game is entirely optional and will not be necessary for the main plot. In fact, in the original comic Attollo, I didn’t even have romance written! Therefore, although romance will give you some extra scenes and tidbits with characters, you don’t need it to play!

Future Updates

Chapter 1 Part 2 and 3 [Routes to meet characters and, gasp!, RO’s] are in the works :slight_smile:

Warnings

This game will include mention of the following:

  • Drug Use
  • Human Trafficking
  • Cults and cult activity
  • Kidnapping
  • Violence
    Any other warnings will be added as I further work out the plot!
Feedback I Would Love

Anything. Honest to god, I love it when people nitpick at my work, and I would love it if you did so. See a grammar issue? Tell me. Don’t like the flow of a sentence? I’m here for it. Wanna comment on some of the ridiculous names I give characters? I love this energy. Anything you wanna say, I am 100% all ears.

Changelog
  • 09.20.20: Fixed coding errors and sentence continuation recs that people posted. Working on fixing an error with the Tanglewood scene where text seems to continue onto the next page that?? Shouldn’t be there?? Suss.
  • 10.22.20: Chapter 1 is out!

Please check out the demo here !!
Also check out my tumblr for fun updates, tidbits, and for any questions/comments you may have!
Carcosas Website
Cheers!

242 Likes

Had me at “cybernoir thriller.” I love your writing style! Question - it seems like the prologue is written in all past tense. Is this because it’s a flashback, or is the whole book planned to be written like this?

Typos/Feedback
The man is pulled from his thoughts when he nearly collides with another person’s back. His head snaps up and he sees, much to his chagrin, that perhaps he got a bit too optimistic about his arrival time. The Salvation appears to have set up a limit to the number of people that can enter the bar, and that limit must’ve been reached. In his haste, he reaches out and politely taps on the shoulder of the woman he nearly body slammed into.

“Excuse me?”

The woman half-turns in response. Her skin is a dark green color, and her eyes are iridescent. She gives him a wary, if not irritated, look before nodding her head to indicate that she heard him.

“How long have you been standing out here already?” He looks over her head as he speaks, eyeing up the size of the line towards the door. The woman shrugs, and he notes that her companions have turned to examine him as well. They, too, had dark green skin and iridescent eyes. He wondered if they were all sisters or related in some other way.

“Probably,” the woman paused and seemed to be counting back before continuing, “an hour?”

Ah, that simply wouldn’t do. The man smiled and offered her a quick thanks before looking back towards the bouncer. Two options presented themselves at this moment.

Here, the first few paragraphs are suddenly in present tense. It reverts back to past tense near the end of the page.
Attollo was especially a victim to this habit, with most buildings receiving grecian or roman-esque titles despite the civilian population of these regions in Attollo being quite small. Most people blamed it on the illusion of grandeur being associated with these titles, and perhaps that was the case.
I believe "grecian" and "roman" are both typically capitalized.
This was the market core, the hub of the city's trade, where fast-moving feet and even faster-moving tongues were as commonplace as anything. Anxiety and an adrenaline rush were something expected to be experienced, and if you didn’t experience them, you stood out.
This is definitely personal opinion, but "expected to be experienced" sounds a little clunky. "...were something to be expected" flows better to me.
They’ve racked a debt, and we would like to offer them an option to pay it off.” His companion lifted the glass and downed the remainder of the contents. Mr. Vergessbar watched in a sort of sick fascination as the liquid vanished into the black void.

Should be “racked up”.

He was barely in the alleyway for more than a few seconds before he found himself missing the warmth that the numerous bodies he had been surrounded by had provided mere moments before. Yanking his windbreaker tighter, the man hurries down the long, brick-lined path towards a rusted metal door at the end.
"hurried" instead of "hurries"?

I’d kill to have a name like “Vasilisia Solovev”.

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I’m so glad you like it!! The prologue is written in past-tense because it’s designed to provide information for what the first chapter will be addressing! The rest of the story will be in present tense! :grin:

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This is very good! I love the descriptions, and there’s an undeniable air of mystery that is very compelling. The only problem I found was as follows: (sorry for no screenshot)

“Ah, it was definitely a supply closet. It was definitely a supply closet, and definitely not a spacious one.”

It seems a bit redundant to repeat it twice. But other than that, I didn’t even find a typo. Very well done so far!

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Question, did you inspire in Bioshock?
The plot sounds good and i already wanna explore the lore you have created!

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Aaaa, thank you for pointing that out! It does sound a bit redundant - I’ll get on that ASAP! And thank you so much!! :grin:

I’ve actually never played Bioshock myself, but I’ve been meaning to for a while! And I’m so glad you’re interested in the lore! I hope all of the oddities of Attollo that I plan to write down the line are to your liking, then!

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Just a heads up - I edited my first post with some v nitpicky stuff after I read the whole thing in case you wanted to take a look. Definitely looking forward to more!

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Thank you so much for that!! I’m definitely gonna run through the prologue with your feedback! <3

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I don’t know if you wanna answer this question of your lore yet but what was that mirror that gave entrance to the Tanglewood Bar? Is a transportation tactic to the old prison? The liquid?
This is so interesting so i respect if you don’t wanna spoil yet :slight_smile:

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The mirror likely won’t be brought up again except in passing, so this isn’t a spoiler at all!! Lemme just slide it under a tab because I get a bit excited when sharing lore!

That funky mirror

You are absolutely spot on when you asked if the mirror was a transportation to the old prison. Here’s the scoop on that story!

Currently, in Attollo, the prison that’s used to house powered individuals is called ‘Carcosa’. It’s this massive obsidian building located in the heart of the city that, other than its size, is most notable for the glowing red search light on its roof that constantly shines down on Attollo. I’m going to do a full write up on Carcosa later because this location plays a critical role in the plot, but for now, keep this in mind!

Before Carcosa was made, no one knew what to do with the dangerous powered individuals. It was a bit hard to hold them in regular prisons since most of their abilities allowed them to get out pretty easily. So a temporary prison was established in Tanglewood known as ‘Void 1’, Void 1 was accessible via a transportation device which took on the form of a full-length mirror. The creators of Void 1 requested it look as average as possible in case anyone went looking for the powered individuals to, say, break one out. The liquid was lab made, and most citizens just cite it as ‘liquid titanium’ due to the appearance and texture [hence why mysterious figure said so]. Truth be told, the substance is actually liquid mercury that was modified to look like a mirrors surface and act as a sort of barrier between the shack and the prison entrance. This is uncommon in Attollo, which is why so many citizens don’t know about it!

Tanglewood Bar just sort of snagged it as their front door since, after the prison shut down when Carcosa was established, no one put any claim on the mirror or the space that it led to. The mayor pretty much just wanted to sweep it under the rug, as he does with most issues.

Hope that answers your questions!!

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I hope that my comment doesn’t come of as rude. I don’t know if it’s author vision/stylistic choice (if it is, then I’m sorry), but normally women with russian/ukrainian roots have an “a” as last letter of their surname (Ivanova/Vladimirova/Soloveva for example). So it’s kinda unusual for me to see that Vasilisia has a traditionally male form of her last name. Again, if it’s some sort of character’s special feature, then it’s completely fine, don’t mind my comment

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Hey! This wasn’t rude at all! I really appreciate you correcting me on this - I didn’t know that this was the case, and I’m really happy you took the time to educate me on it! I’ll fix that asap!!

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Oh, I really glad to help! Your idea for the game is absolutely awesome. Reminds me about Bioshock series too, and as a huge Bioshock fan I’m already in love with the concept and characters. Especially with Operator and Dreamwalker, they’re so mysterious and intriguing :heart_eyes_cat: Wishing you all the best!

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Ooooo! So pumped to see this after your Interest Thread post! Love your descriptions and the unease at the beginning with the man standing still! I’ve only done Salvation and Tanglewood so far, but your atmosphere building is absolutely amazing! :smile:

One quick thing in Tanglewood:

image

It looks like one of the path choice text might have gotten cut off onto the next page? Or did you mean for it to be a continuation like that? If you did, that’s my bad!

Also me reading your lore about the prison being called Carcosa: ooooOOOOO :eyes: Looking forward to more!

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Aaaa hello again!! Thank you for your kind words!! And thank you for pointing out that cut-that definitely was not meant to be there, and I’ll fix that first thing tomorrow!

Also, I’m glad you’re looking forward to more Carcosa cause it’s definitely gonna be showing up a lot :eyes::eyes:

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I’m really interested in this concept! I’m definitely looking forward to seeing more of it. I like how the prologue introduces the world of the story, although it feels a little light on choices compared to how a lot of other games start. Since interaction is the big draw of these games, I wonder if there’s anything you could add to make the player feel like they’re playing along a little more? No particular ideas here (it’s your story after all), just a thought.

Anyway, can’t wait for more! :slight_smile:

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Thank you for your kind words!! There’s definitely going to be more interaction in the actual chapters! The prologue was just more of a set up, so it unfortunately didn’t give a lot of option for choices and audience interaction, which did make me a bit worried when I released it.

But yeah, there will be more involvement in the future!! Thank you again! :smile:

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Update 09.20.20!

  • Fixed a few coding errors [especially with the Tanglewood scene] that were pointed out, as well as sentence and grammar issues
  • There’s character art!! Hopefully I’ll get that wrapped up and I can post it soon!
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Second Update for 09.20.20
Hello everyone!! Quick rundown on some stuff!

  • I remastered the prologue a bit. You can now unlock lore by playing the routes that will be available in the stats screen.

  • I rehauled the entire stats screen. It was a bit messy, but I think it’s easier to navigate now. Lore about Hypnos Industries, The Rapture, Sussoro Magazine, Cyber-Modifications, and the Dreamwalker were added. The locations of The Salvation, The Holy Grail, and Tanglewood Bar can now also be accessed from the stats screen post-prologue if you enter through the ‘Attollo’ option under ‘Locations’.

  • Coded and wrote some more of chapter 1. It’s goin slow because I’m still teaching myself code, but we’re getting it done!!

So, productive times!

11 Likes

Sorry about all these posts, but this demo is so good and I’ve been reading it over and over again! I found a few more things that I put under the cut. I’ll probably be able to give more constructive/high-level feedback once the ball gets rolling with chapter 1 :).

This is all from the stuff in the stats screen, btw.

Also, it never gets old to explain to people about how living in Canada doesn't equate walking in snowshoes and residing in log cabins for your entire life. People have odd beliefs.
"equate to"
Hours after the incident, reports were leaked that Lacheln Inc. was experimenting with controversial new techniques that went above and beyond what was typically used in nuclear reactors...
I was a little confused at first, since it sounded like Lacheln Inc. was currently experimenting with the new techniques hours after the incident. I think using the pluperfect, i.e. "Lacheln Inc. had been experimenting" would make more sense, since it's clear that the experimentation was happening before the incident.
Although the district attorney of Attollo did attempt to file a motion to have Lacheln Inc upper management investigated for neglect...
Inc is missing a period.

I also thought there were some stats that could potentially be ambiguous/confused with each other, but I won’t mention specifics right now since it’ll probably make much more sense once the stats are actually being used. I don’t want you to do extra unnecessary work changing them at the moment. If it’s still confusing later, I’ll bring it up again :).

2 Likes