Mark introduces you and you take your place next to the presentation board. You take a deep breathe.
->breath
You read the brochure more to see what your offsite weekend will be like. This time of the year, the conditions are right so bioluminescence occurs.
I think you need to include what is being bioluminescent, the reader has some difficulty linking bioluminescent marine bacteria making the water glow, and “bioluminescence occuring”.
As a suggestion:
This time of year the conditions are ideal for bioluminescence to occur in the marine life.
Other than that I’ve enjoyed reading this so far, and look forward to seeing it finished. Keep up the good work.
I like it. I hope I’ll be able to date more than one person at a time, although considering that they’re a tight group of coworkers, it probably wouldn’t last long.
Pharmacide. I loved this clever name for a pharmaceutical company. It also lets the player know right out of the gate that this is going to be a pretty light-hearted game.
Grammar: When Mark apologizes for working you so hard on the team project and asked if you’re stressed, one of the choices is “No I’m ok” but it should be “No, I’m ok.”
I like that saying you’re not interested in a romance doesn’t lock you out of pursuing it later on, since real people frequently don’t immediately know if they’re interested in someone romantically, but I do kind of feel like the romance prompts should be spaced out a bit more.
Grammar: When doing the presentation for the team project one of the choices is “I like that Mark and I’s presentation is more comprehensive.” I recommend something like, “I like that our presentation is more comprehensive.” It’s contextually clear who the “our” refers to, and it’s grammatically correct.
When talking to Anne about Jillian’s behavior, you can offer to smooth things over by “volunteering to help with Billy,” which was completely confusing for me since in my playthrough I didn’t see any hint of Anne being interested in Billy at that point. Maybe you need to set up an “if true” for knowledge about Anne’s interest to show this option?
This is a weighty one. Remember how I said that the game sets itself up as light-hearted from the beginning? Seeing/experiencing sexual harrassment from Anne is really jarring. Because the general feel of the game is so light-hearted, it doesn’t really have the foundation to handle the topic of sexual harrassment in a meaningful way. I wouldn’t say that you have to take it out completely, but ask yourself what purpose having such overt sexual harrassment actually serves in a light-hearted office romance game, and if there is a way to handle the topic sensitively while still adhering to the general ambience of the game.
Grammar: On the shuttle to the weekend trip, there’s this confusing sentence: “Tyler and Jillian are sitting quietly, with Anne slightly leaning into Tyler.”
Otherwise, keep it up! Keep fleshing out those characters because in a game like this, that’s the most critical thing. At this stage, I’m most curious about what Jillian’s deal is, and if she can redeem herself in the eyes of the MC.
Short update available! The update is for when you choose the shuttle, choose to get on first, then sit in the middle aisle seat. Thanks for playing and commenting!
@m3ales: Thanks for pointing out those errors! And thank you for your words of encouragement
@Zahid_Uddin1: I can’t make any promises, but I’m hoping that after I finish the story, I can go back and add that option. Thanks for playing!
@eunicegirl: Yes, you’re right about dating multiple characters at once. You can pursue multiple love interests, but your choices will affect your points with the other characters (example: choosing to declare you like a particular character can lessen your points with the others). Glad you like it so far!
Some of my inspiration for this story was the Office (US sitcom) and shoujo manga/anime. Both sources take serious situations, like harassment, and present them in a manner that downplays their true gravity. My intention for my story was to provide a source of strife/common enemy. I also wanted to give the MC an option to advance in the game through more “questionable” means, such as being romantically involved with your boss. I agree with you that this is a lighthearted game, and will think if there’s a way I can still have those elements without using such a serious platform for them.
Thank you for your detailed notes! Was able to fix those errors. I’ll work on spacing out those romance prompts (I’ve gotten feedback that the romance can feel forced) and make sure the scenes that hint about Anne’s interest in Billy are present in all the paths. I appreciate the feedback, it was helpful!
I can definitely see that you took inspiration from anime. I actually very nearly referenced anime in my previous comment.
I get what you’re saying about anime/sitcoms downplaying the gravity of sexual harrassment… I don’t like to say any kind of topic is off limits, but the reality is a lot of people have experienced sexual harrassment/coercion/violence/abuse. Like, 20% of your readership, and that’s more than likely an underestimate. Granted, reactions will vary in that 20+%, but it’s just something to keep in mind, I think. My recommendation is to tone it down a bit (like just keeping it verbal instead of physical maybe), and give players the opportunity to punish her by sabotaging her career, or devising plans to publicly humiliate her. That way the player will feel like they can do something about it.
It still just won’t sit well with some people, but others will find it very satisfying to get the better of a character like her.
You sit down and nervously fidget. How are you suppose to tell Anne that her wannabe prodigy did something wrong? You take a deep breath and start from the beginning. As you relay to Anne the events leading up to this meeting, Anne sighs and crosses her hands under her chin. She stays silent. She also blankly stares back at you so you don’t know what to think.
Hello! Sorry for the late upload. The update is for when you choose to carpool instead of the shuttle. Thanks for playing!
@DylanTK: Your ideas are great. I’m not removing the theme from the story, but I can tone it down as you suggested. Also, giving players opportunities to sabotage Anne can lead to a lot of interesting story lines. Thank you for your suggestions, very much appreciated.
Hey loving the game few things though: chose to go with mark for the project then tell him I’m single, sure he says he’s single too. But if you choose to snoop at the photo on his desk when he’s at the family meal one of the options is something like: yes I’m interested in him, so wonder if he has a girlfriend.
also if you choose to introduce yourself at the initial interview there’s a typo: "Just because you’re competiting " and if you choose to snoop at Jillian’s desk: “She rushed home earlier today becausee”
if you choose the option something like mark knows how to make me feel better(the first option) during the first presentation: “drink your coffee, and its warthm”
if you choose to photocopy Jillian’s notes, then confess to mark when jillian accuses you then when anne invites you and jillian to a meeting if you choose to send an email saying you’re sick: "an email saying that you’'re heading "
@Bruno_Frank_Hill: Fixed. Thanks for pointing out all those typos! I appreciate your meticulousness. The one I’m most embarrassed about has to be “competiting”
@Kyle: Glad you like it ! Do you mind expanding on how it’s different? Is it the genre specifically?
genre does seem very different. closest COG is probably for rent/haunted estate agent. noticed a few more typos with same options as before. Just after you choose mark as your project leader "During another one of your late nights with Mark, say, "Thanks for working "
after you choose to snoop when mark is away. "You walk nonchalantly around and take a closer look at a cubible " *cubicle
during the first presentation "Jillian starts of the presentation "*off
when Jillian excitedly raises her hand after your presentation when you cover the thing she didn’t. "Apparently you did more that " *than
after the presentation if you choose to confess to mark about stealing Jillian’s work, run after him but at the coffee shop choose the first option(not to apologise) “He understands that you’re new at work and would like to make a name for youself” *yourself
when you choose not to apologise the second time. "Mark says that he can’t force you to apologize. But’s he’s " *But
same scene. "sunk to Jillian’s level. The two of stop talking. "
same scene."you’re in the workplace! Handling situations maturely will take you far not only professionally and personally!
same scene. "find an email invite in your inbox. It’s a for meeting "
Hi there! Short update available! Added more scenes with Alex (and his group) as @Uniqueth suggested, so the update’s actually in the middle of the story. To play the update, choose to apply for the job opening with Records Request after working with Alex. Thanks for playing
@Bruno_Frank_Hill: Thanks, I’ll check that game out. Man, I’m embarrassed about the errors. I made the corrections. Going to run spell check on all my files. I’m about 75% done. Thanks for your detailed notes!
hey, more typos, not 100% sure if I’m running latest version, so sorry if some of these have been fixed.
when working with alex on the files, choes on the second day when he suggests his way of working, chose to choose to stick to my own method: "Because you didn’t talk Alex’s advice, " *take
in the meeting about the kayaking trip: "You look up confusingly at Anne " *confused I think.
chose the option I don’t like the outdoors. "Anne asks everyone to quiet down. She annouces " *announces
at the gym with tyler, chose to see his encouragement as a distraction “A furrow forms in your brow as your concentrate” *you concentrate
when billy is at your house. "shoot him a mischevious smile " *mischievous
chose to ask billy if he made a deal with anne “The worry frown between Billy’s eyebrows deepens” *worried
chose to do nothing to help billy"You thank Billy for everything’s " *everything
next scene at work “What beverage do you want to start of your workweek with?” *off and space between work and week
chose green smoothie. "You want to start of your week " *off
same scene "fire her anytime. After everything’s " *everything
as I said, sorry if any of those have been corrected already, not tried the update yet but will try that later too!
Hello! Short update available. To play the update, choose the shuttle, sit in the front seat, and invite someone to sit with you. The conversation with your seat buddy continues (except for when you wait for someone to sit next to you). Please enjoy and thanks for playing
@Bruno_Frank_Hill: As always, thank you for your awesome notes! Hoping to finish spellchecking this week.
I found a spelling typo. When you’re asked if you want to apply for Records Request, one of the choices is “No, I’m don’t want to leave my current group” when it should be “No, , I* don’t want to leave my current group.”
Another one, when the game asks you why you’re letting Tyler pay, it should be insisting.
Anyway, I found this a really interesting idea. I love life simulation games like this. Looking forward to the next update.
@Terriermon50: For now, I’m going to finish the game out from a female perspective. The game feels easy to translate into a male perspective so I will look into it after. Thanks for playing
I enjoyed the game - the scene with Anne after confronting her about Billy was a bit off for me but maybe because experiences have been different in similar situations.
