Very very cool game! I’ve heard of it recently, and I was planning on playing it if it was uploaded here. And I’m happy I did!
First of, I want to thank you for doing saprotagonist with an actual personality (where the player only fine-tunes them) that actually feels like that, instead of a protagonist that is meant to be fully customizable for the player and then a lot of their reactions end up being predetermined. It’s an in between I don’t like, and your game avoids it!
Because of the MC’s personality, I also went with a combat focus for once, as opposed to my usual charisma focus. I think it suits them better - well, at least in my mind.
I also love the various hair options in general, both colors and hairstyles!
So far, I really like the characters - can’t wait to meet the rest of the cast, really. And I have to congratulate you for making me cry with only one chapter! As far as I’m concerned, if I am to consider a game truly good, it has to make me cry at least once, and this one already did so early on.
Now, as much as I love the story so far, I had issues with typos and so on. Sorry if some of them have already been reported, I’m too lazy to check…
My more or less chronological issue report:
Past the braids option, the other hairstyles are missing the “your”. As in, it says just “mullet” instead of “your mullet” and so on
During the PoV change:
“He remembers his brother, the way her skinny fingers were clinging to his dirty shirt when they were kids.”
Should be “his skinny fingers” in this case.
Still during the same scene:
“He doubts his $[sister] won’t hear it.”
Would be “brother”, not to mention the stray code.
Also wouldn’t it be “will hear it”? Not certain if you mean he thinks his sibling will or won’t hear it. And it doesn’t help that English isn’t my language.
After hair color selection:
“You haven’t heard from him for two. Days now, but sometimes it happens.”
Would be “for two days now”, right?
Going to see Basil:
My MC lives at the city appartment. When he goes out to see Basil, and once the accessory choice is done, the following page says:
"You pull on your mask, trying not to bump into anyone. It helps – half of your face is covered which makes you less recognizable and more forgettable. Besides, you don’t have to breath in the germs and car fumes.
It doesn’t take you long to reach Vanya’s place, where you know you’ll find Basil. Turning around the corner, you stop in front of one of his money laundering, fake front stores."
And then the page after that:
"You make sure you’re on the right station – you don’t want to admit it but once or twice you did end up in a totally new city district for you, calling your brother to pick you up.
After almost an hour-long ride and listening to some music someone put on too loud, you finally get off the metro. You go with the crowd of people rushing to work. Turning around the corner, you stop in front of one of Vanya’s money laundering fake front stores where you know you’ll find Basil."
It seems I have both the narration for the city appartment, and the one for the outskirts one?
When talking with Basil:
Unless I got it wrong, I should have been able to ask “Who’s that guy out there? Quinn?”, since my MC asked about Quinn’s name before entering - but the option did not appear for me (I’ve seen it in the code).
And also, the option to ask about Idris didn’t disappear after asking it once (“By the way, who was it?” You think back to the man you saw a few minutes before.).
When June appears:
““Sorry,” man says, stepping over the bench and sitting next to you. “I didn’t mean to scare you.””
Should be “the man says”, no?
Another one with June:
“and why he’s so elusive of her past.”
Would be “of his past” in this case.
Stray code, still with June:
“June must see something in your face, something he doesn’t like. $![jushe] puts the bottle down on the ground and clasps his hands together.”
After telling June about what happened:
“Anyway, you still need to talk to Basil, you know that, right?”
My MC did talk to Basil. It was meant to be Vanya I assume?
When going down from the roof with June:
“You’re used to it, half of your brother’s job are kept secret from you”
Should be “jobs”, plural.
When talking with Basil and Vanya about MC's brother:
“There’s a. strain in your voice, you trying to hold back your emotions.”
There’s a point between “a” and “strain” that shouldn’t be there.
After learning where to go from Quinn:
“You’ve. Been crouching behind the boxes, hidden from the view, for at least an hour now.”
Would be “You’ve been crouching”. And “hidden from view” would sound better, I think?
If staying hidden, during that same segment:
I get this after deciding to stay hidden:
"It’s quiet now, their voices mutes, quiet enough that you can’t really hear or understand anything.
If peek out You sink back, your back touching the boxes, the wall staring at you."
The whole “if peek out” is weird.
When dealing with June, after boarding:
““We’re not going for vacation, this is a job and you have don’t know what—“”
It should be “and you don’t know what” or something like that, I think?
Various "his" instead of "him" with June (at various points in the story):
- Once the second choice with June appears, the second option: “You smile at his. At this point, he’s practically a part of your tiny family.”
- On the following page: “You point a finger at his and he just smiles in response.”
- Around the moment he asks if MC’s okay: “Maybe it’s your sorry looking ass or comparing yourself to a cockroach that you know doesn’t sit right with his.”
- Same page as last one: “You send his a surprised look”
- When going down from the roof: “You can feel his behind you.”
- When talking about MC’s brother with Basil and Vanya, and choosing what to say to June, one of the choices: “You just look at his, unable to find words.”
- By the very end of the WIP: ““No,” you interrupt his. “You listen.””
I think it’s easier to work with male or neutral pronouns when coding these things, since well… You have his/her/their on one hand and on the other hand him/her/them. The male and neutral pronouns are actually two different words, but the female one is “her” in both cases. So the game doesn’t “see” the difference if femenine is the form you use in your brackets…
Since you use female pronouns with Idris too, in the code, I assume it’s the same issue with them, but I didn’t notice any instance. Either because I’ve missed them since I was focused on the story, or because I had dialogues where it was irrelevant in my playthrough.
And that’s all I’ve noticed on my first playthrough! Probably missed some, but oh well…
All of these issues are typos or coding problems, really. Everything else - story, characters, choice options, the MC… I love it!