Abyss [wip]


𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐀𝐁𝐘𝐒𝐒.

What was supposed to be a simple job has spiraled into something far greater than you. After receiving a strange, gut-wrenching message from your brother, you embark on a journey through space on an old ship, alongside wanted criminals. Somehow, in an attempt to save your brother, you become entangled in a heist bigger than the galaxy has ever seen.

But not everything is as it seems, and it looks like you may have accidentally started a revolution.

Abyss is a character- and relationship-driven interactive novel with a mix of sci-fi and cyberpunk. Three words to describe it? Gay space pirates.



  • Customizable MC (play as a female, male, non-binary or trans, choose your appearance, craft your personality and hone your skills)
  • Save your brother (or at least try to save him)
  • Fall in love with one of the four unique RO’s, two of them with customizable gender
  • Rob the rich
  • Overthrow a government or two
  • Attend a Alice in Wonderland themed party
  • Found family trope, because who doesn’t love that?
  • Adopt an alien pet – a space dog, bird or a rat
  • And remember, arson is okay

  • Juniper “June” Kinnear - (gender cust.) - The Puppetmaster . Your brother’s best friend, almost a member of your little family now. A coworker, master at infiltration with love of fixing old electronics. Well connected and ambitious. || Dark skin, tight curls falling into sparkling brown eyes. A slight dip in the chin, dimples visible only when they smile.
  • Jinho Lee - (M) - The Henchman - A bit abrasive, with a permanent frown on his face, he doesn’t really want to be there. It seems like sarcasm is the only language he knows. Pushing people away - it has became a habit of his. An influential member of Enigma. || Warm ivory skin, almost black hair falling into his dark brown eyes, with his nose and ears pierced.
  • Manon Sayari - (F) - The Art Forger - The most infamous art forger in the galaxy. She was born with a paint brush in one hand, and a gun in the other. A mystery no one can solve - the times of having friends and trusting them are long gone for her. || Tanned brown skin, a dark mullet that reaches her shoulder blades, with the underside and roots dyed red. Faint freckles kissing her cheeks.
  • Idris Crowe - (gender cust.) - The Pilot - A local Florida man. People may say they have a questionable taste, but they think it’s just too refined for others. The pilot of your ship, running through the galaxy from their demons. If there is an explosion, it was definitely them. || Sepia-toned skin, wavy brown hair, a defined jawline, and hazel eyes with a sly glint. Nails always painted with nail polish.

I’m finally posting the demo! I’m not a native english speaker so there may be some errors or typos – please feel free to point them out! I’d appreciate all feedback!

you can also message me on tumblr where I post more Abyss content!!

current word count (excl. code): 33 560
average playthrough: 18 834

PLAY DEMO HERE

more about the ros
content warnings
spotify

215 Likes

Seems awesome, will check out after my nap

2 Likes

Oh, you already got me hooked :rofl: Can’t wait to give it a read!

One Small Thing

In your content warnings, it says “sexual conten” – without the ‘t’! Looks like a mistype!

4 Likes

i usually don’t play science fiction wips, but this seems interesting to try so i will play it later.

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I tried to write a funny comment but the formatting didn’t work.

Bummer.

Anyhow, the premise sounds like fun, but I think I’ll wait until a few updates in before I start playing, simply because I like having a few chapters to go through, rather than “here’s the Prologue- aaand it’s gone!”

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So excited to try this!! I thiiiiiink stumbled across your tumblr for it on another author’s WIP page :slight_smile: glad to see there’s a demo!

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Got some typos n such for you!

Summary




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Very very cool game! I’ve heard of it recently, and I was planning on playing it if it was uploaded here. And I’m happy I did!
First of, I want to thank you for doing saprotagonist with an actual personality (where the player only fine-tunes them) that actually feels like that, instead of a protagonist that is meant to be fully customizable for the player and then a lot of their reactions end up being predetermined. It’s an in between I don’t like, and your game avoids it!
Because of the MC’s personality, I also went with a combat focus for once, as opposed to my usual charisma focus. I think it suits them better - well, at least in my mind.

I also love the various hair options in general, both colors and hairstyles!

So far, I really like the characters - can’t wait to meet the rest of the cast, really. And I have to congratulate you for making me cry with only one chapter! As far as I’m concerned, if I am to consider a game truly good, it has to make me cry at least once, and this one already did so early on.

Now, as much as I love the story so far, I had issues with typos and so on. Sorry if some of them have already been reported, I’m too lazy to check… :sweat_smile:

My more or less chronological issue report:
Hairstyle selection:

Past the braids option, the other hairstyles are missing the “your”. As in, it says just “mullet” instead of “your mullet” and so on

During the PoV change:

“He remembers his brother, the way her skinny fingers were clinging to his dirty shirt when they were kids.”
Should be “his skinny fingers” in this case.

Still during the same scene:

“He doubts his $[sister] won’t hear it.”
Would be “brother”, not to mention the stray code.
Also wouldn’t it be “will hear it”? Not certain if you mean he thinks his sibling will or won’t hear it. And it doesn’t help that English isn’t my language.

After hair color selection:

“You haven’t heard from him for two. Days now, but sometimes it happens.”
Would be “for two days now”, right?

Going to see Basil:

My MC lives at the city appartment. When he goes out to see Basil, and once the accessory choice is done, the following page says:
"You pull on your mask, trying not to bump into anyone. It helps – half of your face is covered which makes you less recognizable and more forgettable. Besides, you don’t have to breath in the germs and car fumes.

It doesn’t take you long to reach Vanya’s place, where you know you’ll find Basil. Turning around the corner, you stop in front of one of his money laundering, fake front stores."

And then the page after that:
"You make sure you’re on the right station – you don’t want to admit it but once or twice you did end up in a totally new city district for you, calling your brother to pick you up.

After almost an hour-long ride and listening to some music someone put on too loud, you finally get off the metro. You go with the crowd of people rushing to work. Turning around the corner, you stop in front of one of Vanya’s money laundering fake front stores where you know you’ll find Basil."

It seems I have both the narration for the city appartment, and the one for the outskirts one?

When talking with Basil:

Unless I got it wrong, I should have been able to ask “Who’s that guy out there? Quinn?”, since my MC asked about Quinn’s name before entering - but the option did not appear for me (I’ve seen it in the code).
And also, the option to ask about Idris didn’t disappear after asking it once (“By the way, who was it?” You think back to the man you saw a few minutes before.).

When June appears:

““Sorry,” man says, stepping over the bench and sitting next to you. “I didn’t mean to scare you.””
Should be “the man says”, no?

Another one with June:

“and why he’s so elusive of her past.”
Would be “of his past” in this case.

Stray code, still with June:

“June must see something in your face, something he doesn’t like. $![jushe] puts the bottle down on the ground and clasps his hands together.”

After telling June about what happened:

“Anyway, you still need to talk to Basil, you know that, right?”
My MC did talk to Basil. It was meant to be Vanya I assume? :thinking:

When going down from the roof with June:

“You’re used to it, half of your brother’s job are kept secret from you”
Should be “jobs”, plural.

When talking with Basil and Vanya about MC's brother:

“There’s a. strain in your voice, you trying to hold back your emotions.”
There’s a point between “a” and “strain” that shouldn’t be there.

After learning where to go from Quinn:

“You’ve. Been crouching behind the boxes, hidden from the view, for at least an hour now.”
Would be “You’ve been crouching”. And “hidden from view” would sound better, I think?

If staying hidden, during that same segment:

I get this after deciding to stay hidden:
"It’s quiet now, their voices mutes, quiet enough that you can’t really hear or understand anything.

If peek out You sink back, your back touching the boxes, the wall staring at you."

The whole “if peek out” is weird.

When dealing with June, after boarding:

““We’re not going for vacation, this is a job and you have don’t know what—“”
It should be “and you don’t know what” or something like that, I think?

Various "his" instead of "him" with June (at various points in the story):
  • Once the second choice with June appears, the second option: “You smile at his. At this point, he’s practically a part of your tiny family.”
  • On the following page: “You point a finger at his and he just smiles in response.”
  • Around the moment he asks if MC’s okay: “Maybe it’s your sorry looking ass or comparing yourself to a cockroach that you know doesn’t sit right with his.”
  • Same page as last one: “You send his a surprised look”
  • When going down from the roof: “You can feel his behind you.”
  • When talking about MC’s brother with Basil and Vanya, and choosing what to say to June, one of the choices: “You just look at his, unable to find words.”
  • By the very end of the WIP: ““No,” you interrupt his. “You listen.””

I think it’s easier to work with male or neutral pronouns when coding these things, since well… You have his/her/their on one hand and on the other hand him/her/them. The male and neutral pronouns are actually two different words, but the female one is “her” in both cases. So the game doesn’t “see” the difference if femenine is the form you use in your brackets… :thinking:
Since you use female pronouns with Idris too, in the code, I assume it’s the same issue with them, but I didn’t notice any instance. Either because I’ve missed them since I was focused on the story, or because I had dialogues where it was irrelevant in my playthrough.

And that’s all I’ve noticed on my first playthrough! Probably missed some, but oh well…
All of these issues are typos or coding problems, really. Everything else - story, characters, choice options, the MC… I love it! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

1 Like

I completely agree about loving the wide array of hairstyles. I saw that I could give myself a mullet, and I finally realized what all my OCs have been missing :joy:

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To me, it was the cherry-red wolf cut with black bangs. Perfection.

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This is so cool,keep up the good work!!

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Really good concept, was not expecting to go off on a space ship. Can’t wait to see how everything unfolds especially the feelings we get.

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Ahh, thank you! This is so helpful! With all my exams and a new job my brain was too fried to catch it and it’s totally my fault for using the code wrong.

And a big thank you to everyone for your kind comments and feedback! I’m so happy you’re enjoying Abyss :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

4 Likes

first of all, i adore the hairstyle options we have and also quin is so fuckin adorable. if he was part of the ro list he wouldve definitely been my first pick. also damn, hitting me with the feels already. might i ask, are we going to have like flashbacks in reference to our brother to build the reader’s attachment to them? also is height going to be a customizable option in the game? would our choice of clothing and hairstyle/color receive some tiny comment from the characters? this has been such a fun story cant wait to see how it progresses.

3 Likes

Love the story. However there’s an error that pops up when you’re at the airport when you have the choice to ‘peek out’ or ‘hide’.

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hi!
yes, there will be flashbacks to some situations with your brother, and how you actually came to new sonaia. you’ll be able to build the relationship with your brother through them! and yes, height (as well as some more customization, for example freckles and piercings) will be in chapter 2!

throughout the whole game you will be able to change your hairstyle and clothing for some events, but the style you’ve chosen in chapter 1 will be your set one. and ofc, the ros will comment on your height or choice of clothing! i love flavour text and really want to implement it into my game!

5 Likes

The way you write, especially action scenes, is really gripping, so I’m excited to see what you have in store!

You also mentioned including options for trans MC’s, is the second choice here supposed to imply a trans MC? If yes, I think that could be a tad clearer because I wasn’t sure.

In terms of any actual issues, here’s what I was able to find at first glance;

Coding


Regardless of whether we choose to stay hidden or not, the missing peek variable error comes up.


Ignore this if the tag isn’t for the mc, but mine was male so sister wouldn’t be right.


I assume there should be pronouns here instead of “man”.


Seems like there’s an error with the pronoun tag, which also comes up with instances of “his” instead of “him” showing up, see below for what I found in that regard.

Grammar


“More of them are” instead of “More of them is”.


I don’t think “of” is necessary in this sentence.


“show” instead instead of “showing”.


“is” instead of “are”.


“blew” instead of “blow” and you could replace “as well” with “either”.

Misc


You could rewrite “what was his life” to “what his life was”, and there’s a coding mistake at the end with the “her” pronoun slipping in.


The opposing trait to “Ruthless” is missing.

Typos


“in” instead of “I”.


The first sentence is cut off at “two days”.

thank you!! all of this has been fixed now and i really appreciate the grammar mistakes being pointed out!

and yes, that option is supposed to decide if your character is trans or not, but i will look into it and think how i can make it clearer.

and regarding the not showing opposite variable, i’m still trying to find out why it’s happening!! there are no errors in the code so i’m still looking into it

3 Likes

Glad to help, especially for such a promising WIP! On another note, it seems that choosing to trust Quinn increases the ruthless trait by 1%, which doesn’t seem right.

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crashes in through roof
Hi, did someone say something about gay space pirates?

This demo is pretty interesting so far! I’m really enjoying the wip and it’s pretty promising! Looking forward to more!

5 Likes