Abysm's Veil- Continuing the story. (WIP) Last update 11th December

gender-choice
modern-fantasy
adult-fiction

#142

It’s always fun interacting with Tanya, but what a cliffhanger!

A few typos I saw:

Summary

Could it have been one of the creatures Charlotte and the others seem so fearful of.
I believe this should have a question mark at the end.

Should there be any survivors to tell the tale you think, shifting uncomfortably in the water.
I think there should be a comma in between “tale” and “you.”

“You think it’s safe to venture out into the dark? With that thing on the loose You’ve got to be kidding.”
It looks like “You’ve” should be all lowercase.

he gives you one last sunny smile before hurrying over to a woman waving impatiently for his attention.
“he” should be capitalized “He”.

Maybe she went back to the beach when we got separated? You think uncertainly.
I think “You” should be all lowercase here, too.


#143

I’ve been reading this book and its updates even before I created my account, and I absolutely love it! I’m pretty afraid of deep waters, so confronting a gigantic fish which can kill the MC in one bite is… interesting :sweat_smile:

I really like the interactions we can have with the tribe. Each character has their own opinions and personalities and that’s amazing. Also, I’m sorry if anybody already asked this, but I think somewhere you said that there is going to be one or two ROs, and I’m trying to find out who they are. I suppose Terrell might be one, but at the same time Tanya and Charlotte seem like perfect options. Sooo… any non-spoilerish tips?


#144

Thanks again for finding all those typos @expectedoperator! Very much appreciated :slight_smile:

Glad you’re enjoying the story @Perom, thanks for the nice comments! As for the RO’s, you’re right that Terrell will probably be one. TBH, I haven’t made any others public yet because I’m still trying to 100% decide what I’m doing in with the last section of the story and don’t want to disappoint anyone by saying someone will be if I need to change my mind. Sorry about that, wish I could give you a more definite answer.


#145

I feel like I could have totally saved that dude from getting eaten. Hold him underwater so he can’t scream. Bring him up for air only long enough for him to take a breath.

Played as Wraith, a naive pacifist with a skill in singing.

Typos and other stuff I noticed, probably featuring multiple spoilers

Deceit, not deciet.

Also, frequently I see characters talk in one paragraph and then resume talking in a paragraph break. It’s best to avoid it as we generally associate a paragraph break with a new speaker, so it can get really confusing, especially considering how many characters there are.

If you have to do it, the convention is not to use closing quotation marks in the preceding paragraph, like this:

"I like vanilla ice cream.

“Anyway,” he says, changing the subject. “Back to torturing this dolphin!”

Ivy’s introduction is a bit rocky. She says A LOT before the narration indicates you’re startled by her. It would probably sell the effect better to have a few words that startle the MC, then a quick description of Ivy, then go into the longer bit of exposition about whales.

You did almost die, not died.

Should say: "I don’t see the issue. Can’t we just use our song to disorientate them ? "

Using a colon to signify spoken dialogue :like this: is pretty unusual. I know it was to indicate that it was illusory and not real, but it threw me for a loop at first. Personally I prefer the Animorphs style of using sharp brackets . Some people italicise it “like this”. Others don’t bother to use different notation or formatting and just rely on context for the reader to figure it out. It’s not too big of a deal, just an unusual choice.

Oh, and I almost forgot! Sometimes the captain’s name is Read and sometimes it’s Reid.

Oh and most important thing: I love all the dazzling descriptions. The way that both the danger and appeal of the water and the freakish beauty of the sirens mermaids kelpies sea vampires rusalki is described to the reader is really evocative.


#146

@Jacic
In part 9.

Grab Terrell by the arm and haul him away. You couldn’t stand for him to die now. It would break your heart."

Remove the double quote.

Those rocky walls are pretty shear,

Sheer


#147

Thank you again @Bugreporter!!!

@will Thanks so much for the nice comments and the typos/grammar pick ups :blush:

Hmm, I’m not sure what the convention is for continuing to talk over multiple paragraphs, I’ll have to look into it. If I saw a paragraph without a closing quotation, it’d make me think it’d been forgotten? The paragraph breaks are mainly due to many people playing on phones, and long paragraphs start looking like huge walls of text unless I break them up some how. I’ll look into it :slight_smile:

Good point about Ivy, I’ll see if I can do something with that.

Whoops, that would be MSWord spellchecker working it’s magic without me realising I think. Should be Reid, thanks!


#148

The convention is no closing quotation marks at the end of the paragraph, like the example I gave. A lot of people aren’t familiar with it, but that’s how you do it.

For an example of someone abusing this to no end, read Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice.


#149

You can find more examples in the Harry Potter books – I know in the fifth book, when Dumbledore’s talking to Harry at the end, his long paragraphs often don’t end in quotations. (I also have long dialogue without end quotation marks in my WIP, too. :relaxed:)

I think so long as the speaker’s name is within the first paragraph, and the paragraph is long enough, an absence of a quotation mark is usually a signal to me that the speaker is still talking. Otherwise if the dialogue paragraphs are too short once broken up I would wonder if they forgot it, too. :thinking:


#150

Not sure if it’s a bug or I’m just misunderstanding things, but in part 11 after the hunt when it says I have a choice to either speak to tanya or charlotte, charlotte’s option simply isn’t there.
Looking at the code, it looks like it should be, but the trigger for being able to comes after having chose the option which you need trigger to get.
Again, I might just be looking at the code wrong, but if I am, would it be possible to get some clarity on how that option appears?


#151

Hi @Gwenstn, yep definitely should be able to look for Charlotte. It sounds like I must have a bug in my coding if it’s not available, thank you for letting me know. (Your stats can change the outcome, but it shouldn’t stop you from visiting her.) When I can get a chance I’ll look over the code and when it’s fixed I’ll let you know :slight_smile:


#152

Sorry about the slow updates everyone. (It’s kind of a crazy time of year.)
Just thought I’d share a picture I took the other day of a smiling fish because it’s adorable and to prove not everything in the ocean is trying to get you. (Just the barnacles.)

bIMG_2735600px


#153

Ah damn, I’ve given too many likes today… but anyway, lovely picture!! :slight_smile:


#154

Thanks @adrao!