A story in the city. updated to chpt3. (adult only)

I see that phrase and all I can think of is that gross concentration camp simulator.

I agree that in written format, simply saying the word asylum is not scary. Visuals do play into horror.

For the COG community, most readers are not used to a traditional horror in a COG game and readers don’t want asylums and mental illnesses used as a horror gimmick.

However, many games and horror stories do take place outside of asylums with the MC’s own home being the most common place or someone’s haunted house. There is a whole game jam (asylum jam in November) dedicated to horror games without using asylums or mental illness as a scare tactic. COG gamers would probably prefer a horror game like Wounded by Words (I never played all routes, but I know there’s a trigger for ptsd ) on the app store about a group of people trapped in the mall after a terrorist attack. It was too preachy for me, but there are an autistic person, gay person, disabled person and the MC has ptsd. . So, it’s more an issue of audience and writing skill than it is of it being possible to write a good asylum horror game.

4 Likes

Well. That was a thing. A horribly written thing but a thing. I guess. Seems like some sort of cry for help than an actual story however.

1 Like

My therapist once threatened* to have me committed and I broke down in tears because my only conception of inpatient mental health treatment is from movies, books, and games where it is hands down fucking scary. 99% of the time, mental health treatment is a setting for horror. I think I’ve seen one movie in my life where an inpatient rehab center was treated warmly as a place to recover, and I can’t remember the movie’s title. It’s that rare.

Culture affects people. We don’t always have the ability to intellectually deconstruct the things culture tells us. People who are stressed and emotionally drained don’t always employ their cognitive abilities to their fullest (or maybe it’s just me).

Anyway. I’m not necessarily against people using mental health issues or settings in their games. Just please think about how you’re using it - are you exorcising your own demons or are you just doing it because other people have and you think it’s cool?

*I say threatened but it was really more like she asked me to consider the possibility of going voluntarily, because if I didn’t improve she would have to involuntarily send me for safety reasons. It felt threatening because I was that scared of mental health facilities.

7 Likes

4 posts were split to a new topic: Mental Health Care

3 posts were merged into an existing topic: Mental Health Care

Don’t get me wrong, outlast was literally one of the best horror games I’ve ever played, especially the DLC. But inthe game most were either turned into monsters(I still don’t understand why, some sort of mutagen from that spirit guy? Idk)or the circumstances brought out more of their darker desires. Most of the inhabitants were just sitting around anyways. If they did something like that then sure, changing people into creepy, evil, monsters who used to have mental disorders that have now evolved due to the change would work, but using a standard mental disorder to label them as crazy monsters doesn’t.

I think the author here should totally go for it if that’s their goal. Also after coming back and reading this thread I agree with pretty much everyone else. Now, i don’t have experience with it, and, for lack of a better word, it doesn’t really bother me as much as it would people with who do, but, most does seem “cliche”. The plot could really turn out well though if they did it right.

New version up, nowhere near as long as I wanted in terms of in game time, however I have been writing at least two hours a day since I started this new version about this time last week or so(and usually a fair bit more than that), and considering if the criticism is as negative and I’m not even getting close then I’ll just scrap it, thought I’d post what I’ve got and see how it’s received.

As for the asylum issue. Interesting conversation, but with regards to this game already agreed it’s not a good idea to include it.

So yeah tried to write this version with all the feedback in mind, and looked through all the posts a couple of times, so if I’m not getting close this time will scrap this idea and start writing again when and if I think of another idea I’m interested in, so hope you like it, at least more than my last version :stuck_out_tongue: .

Edit: oh and with regards to the private alpha idea, not sure…will definatley think about it, lets see how this part is received first :stuck_out_tongue: .

3 Likes

The story is better, but it’s too short for me to give too detailed feedback. I like how you showed MC’s perspective and made the dad a more dimensional character.

You should mention that the MC was recently visually impaired earlier in the story. That makes needing help and not being adjusted to their sight easier to understand.

For the dialogue, it would look better and be easier to read if you added line breaks in between when different people speak.

There are a whole bunch of choices at once for what MC chooses to do that day and that can be overwhelming for the reader. You could fix this by lessening the number of things to do (I would definitely keep the talk to Emma and Dad scenes and the candle scene). Or, you could make it more rpg-y and have different actions connected to different rooms, but that’s kind of hard to code and doesn’t add that much to the story. Or, you could keep all the options, but restrict them by time, which is less difficult to code than a map.

What’s your overall plan? Is it still horror, or is it going to focus on an adventure with Emma, or something else? You don’t techniquely need different endings like Choice of the Dragon and Counting Spoons and some Tell Tale games have pretty much one ending, but the journey and how the MC chooses to arrive at that ending still makes the game interactive.

3 Likes

Cheers for the feedback, glad you think it’s better :slight_smile: If I keep writing, yes, will look at where I can reposition the visual imparement bit.

As for line breaks, haven’t tried them at all, not sure how it’ll work with the indentations, as I can struggle putting in page breaks when there’s choices involved and such, but if I keep writing I can try and figure them out. Yeah played around with a couple of ways to implement time. There is a hidden time variable(which is why you can’t apply for jobs or talk to your dad at the start, he’s out with friends) so if I develop a better time mechanic, or learn how to use one(and hopefully I will) then that could definatley be something to consider(though I’m unsure what ones I’d hide till later and such) wanted to add as many as possible without adding them needlessly to try and deal with pacing issues, hopefully that feels like a realistic fullish day :stuck_out_tongue: .

Edit: oops just realised I didn’t answer the 2nd bit :stuck_out_tongue: . My overall plan…not sure since I’m starting from scratch. In the next potential update, the mc would spend an extra bit of time with emma if they ran away, run away on their birthday if they get into an argument with their dad about going to Emma’s or if your mc is too passive :stuck_out_tongue: they’ll be railroaded into going to visit emma the next day to make things less complicated :stuck_out_tongue: . That last option will take some time though obvs as that will alter your present feeling about your dad, and his feelings about you quite a bit. From there…yeah same as before, adventures, dealing with your dad, just more fleshed out.

I just took a quick glance - I’ll try to give you some more feedback when I have time, but this is already looking better. I think you’re on the right track as far as fleshing this out more thoughtfully. Good luck with the draft!

3 Likes

Okay, I’m typing this post as I go through the game…using it as notes. Sort of a ‘stream of consciousness’ situation, so I apologize if it rambles a bit. I also blurred it on the off chance that I accidentally include a spoiler without thinking.

[spoiler]* Wow…info dump at the beginning! Definitely a 180 from the previous style. Definitely an improvement. Could use some proofreading, but otherwise pretty good. I notice we can’t choose our gender or name anymore, though…

  • First choice has only two options…meh?

  • Wow…second choice has way more than two options…

  • When I tried to have a meal (as my second choice from the long list,) it told me that I should check the time, because it isn’t the right time to eat. Is there a way to check the time? Stat Sheet doesn’t have one…Why isn’t this one of the greyed out options if it isn’t allowed? There are greyed out options…

  • Good description on the ‘tidy my room’ option.

  • kinda afraid to try the ‘play with knives’ option, but I will…Eh, it wasn’t bad, actually.

  • Still having a few proofreading issues…commas missing, odd capitalization, spelling issues, etc. Readable, but slightly distracting.

  • I do like the way ‘visual impairment’ is treated in the diary option. I’ve felt like that before. Wondering why my MC doesn’t have corrective lenses, though. Too expensive? Is her impairment one that isn’t fixed by lenses? Could use that detail…

  • Are taekwando classes normally scheduled so lopsidedly in the week? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, then a 4 day break? Shrug Maybe so…

  • Dad character definitely feels more believable. Much better than the ‘kill you if you don’t run away’ version.

  • I might have liked it if there was something to distinguish what was written in the diary from the rest of what was written. Italics or all-caps or something.

  • My MC has panic attacks when dealing with people…maybe the crowded call centre isn’t where she should be applying? … Being unemployed sucks …

  • Dad is in his 30s? Aren’t I 24? Had his kid young, I guess…

  • Giant written phone number? If she dials her friend’s number enough, shouldn’t she just know it, by now? Or is the phone thing new?

  • “cosmetic demon esc contacts” Ouch…those hurt to wear all the time…

  • Is “bright red hair” really a dark look? Wouldn’t her natural black hair be darker?

  • Both Emma and the MC speak in monotone? Odd design choice…

  • Emma seems to speak without capitalization at all. Even her own name is lower-case. Design choice or error? Hard to say…

  • Could use line breaks when the person talking changes…that’s pretty much the standard when writing dialog, I think.

  • Emma is super-pressuring. Not sure if I like her. I don’t have issues with panic attacks, but she still makes me anxious. I wonder why my MC puts up with it. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t know Emma’s number, yet? Is Emma as much of a bully as Dad? (I chose to deny Dad hitting me, by the way.)

  • Finally got to eat my meal. Abundance of evidence that MC is in England within that meal. :laughing:
    Tried talking to my Dad in an attempt to get permission to go to Emma’s. (I guess she’s my best friend? meh…) Got slapped, tried to cry, and got…“Our apologies; there was a 404 error while loading game data. Please refresh your browser now; if that doesn’t work, please email support-external@choiceofgames.com with details.”[/spoiler]

    Will try to play through again later…I can definitely say this is a massive improvement.

When I’m made uncomfortable at all, it’s in the good way that suspenseful writing is supposed to…rather than the ew way that makes me want to put the book away and never touch it again.

Good description. Could use a proofreader, but it is still early-days for that.

I am not sure if disliking Emma is a writing issue or my own personal issue. I’m not sure it’s bad to dislike Emma. I certainly remember having no friends I liked in high school…just clinging to the people that would accept me even a little. So, it is far from unrealistic, if it is intentional.

In the end, this is now a project that I’m curious to see where it goes. And, that’s really good to see, considering the amount of (ahem) “discussion” that had been put into the project.

3 Likes

cheers again :slight_smile: ok… No like I said I read through all the posts twice, one prominent criticism was it might be a good idea to just talk about my own experiences. There are still differences between me and the mc, but I reduced them massively, I think if I reduce them anymore it’ll just be an autobiography xd…or too personal, either way not good.

Yeah I wasn’t sure if I overcompensated with the backstory :stuck_out_tongue: the keep daydreaming option gives you more backstory, the snap out of it option takes you to the start of the main game. I thought this especially since now on top of the start if you lie on your bed deep in thought or write in your diary it gives you yet more backstory/insight into the mc, so wasn’t sure if it was too much.

My time mechanic is very basic, a shorter activity increases the time by 1, a longer activity by 2, I didn’t put it in the stats as then you’d see how basic it is! :stuck_out_tongue: it’s definatley not perfect. There are greyed options, but only 2, no insta deaths and hopefully the greyed out options feel more realistic, but still unrealistic for the mc.

Proofed read it before uploaded it, so if you can quote where the tuypo is that’d be much appreciated :slight_smile: .

Again my mc is very similar to me, it’s genetical, thanks guess I need to explicitly state that.

Based off my old tawkwondo calendar :stuck_out_tongue: classes were everyday, if the schedule was a bit off/quirky maybe I revealed more than I thought about mc? lol

Cheers, hmm no idea how to do it, but might look into doing italics or a line break maybe Yeah but due to sight and no degree and lack of knowledge maybe? her options are limited…plus people see her as not having mental health issues, so her dad would push her to apply for any jobs she can.?

Nope, changed it(though might’ve missed doing it in the stats…) she’s 19, dad is about 36, so her mother had lauren when she was 16, young but plausible.

She’s been visually impared two years, and is the sort of person who likes to be absolutely sure :p, she’d probably do things like retyping the number multiple times to makes sure it’s right, checking the front door is locked multiple times when she goes out etc. .

Not sure :stuck_out_tongue: … My mc would see it as a darker colour, as she dyed it like a rebel :stuck_out_tongue: …something which her dad would never let her do…plus I’m tempted to say it’s less common, but I’m not sure.

Yeah they speak in monotones sometimes. Another reason I wanted to write this type of story, is I find it hard to write characters too different from me, so hopefully emma is different enough to be her own person. It’s the same reason none of the npcs are likely to be “normal” they’ll be quirky or or have mental health issues xd. Capitalisation is error, cheers :slight_smile: . Yeah will try and figure out line breaks, hopefully they’re easier than page breaks combined with choices :stuck_out_tongue: .

Emma is concerned about lauren, that’s how she expresses her concern. Writing mostly from mc’s perspective, but mc I imagine wouldn’t see them as bad as her dad, and she doesn’t physically abuse mc. mc kinda gets Emma’s concern and like having a friend as close as emma.

Yeah I didn’t put an ending scene on the endings, think changing the goto scene commands at the end to finishes will fix that error, but you reached the end.

Yeah mc struggles to make friends, but not sure my mc views emma in a very specific way. Plus mc would struggle to have a normal type of friendship with the friends she does have, is distrustful, cold etc so that stops her making friends, and in order to have a friend as close as emma, mc would have to trust them to tell them at least some personal things, so pretty limiting really :stuck_out_tongue: .

But thanks once again for the feedback :slight_smile: .

You definitely have a comment about how Emma is 24…“just like me.” Good to know it was intended to be different, at least.

1 Like

I hit a 404 error when I tried to go to bed.

Yeah need to change the goto labels to finishes. left them in to remind me what to type next but didn’t think about the errors it’d cause… :stuck_out_tongue: . Will fix that soon, quite busy though, plus I have the next part written but need to add in some choices, spell check etc.

Edit: think I fixed the error, only tested the main go to bed option and that works, but others should too.

second edit: yep… :’( just tried the line breaks and they do work like page breaks, so when they’re on the same page as choices and options I really struggle figuring out how to get the indentations right. If there’s only one option or what not on the page I can do it, and in fact yep tried out line breaks, and they worked…but only my first choice appeared after that, and I tried a few different indentation options.

So How big a priority is this? Is not having line breaks a big issue? As if I keep going quite far I have two options… 1. figure them out…somehow :stuck_out_tongue: or have a different scene for each dialogue option. E.G instead of:

text
choice
option with breaks
finish
it’d go like
text
choice
option
go to the actual scene so the text is on it’s own page
…hope that makes sense xd. I will do it at some point anyway if I get quite far along, as get why it can be annoying obvs, but find creating a scene for each option the only way I can get it to work, but very time consuming :frowning: .

1 Like

Don’t call the police, on their own they will usually, not always mind you, but usually make things worse.
If you really want the legal system involved get yourself a lawyer first and most of us do have a pro bona quota we have to meet so, depending on your situation, money may not be that much of a problem.

There tend to be, but I’m obligated to say that in some cases it’s better than doing nothing, but see above about what to do beforehand, if you can.

Ah, hahah, haha hah! And I could go on for two pages, that’s the theory our politicians want you to believe but it tends not to work that way in practice. For one there are cutbacks and waiting lists for many of those services and even if the father does have money and is in fact ordered to pay by the courts, if he doesn’t do so voluntarily you’ve got to collect it somehow and that can be so expensive as to make it a moot point in practice. Not to mention the wheels of justice tend to grind slowly and such things can take months or even years.

Again that’s why you’d need to get your own legal representation first, if at all possible as the police and prosecutor(s) tend to be disinterested actors, just going through the motions, in most of these cases, sad but true.

Not entirely true, but social services for adults, particularly adult men tend to be harder to access, are even more limited then for women and have a very uneven geographic split, but they do exist.

Oh and since I referenced some things that might be interpreted as such, here’s the obligatory disclaimer.
This is not intended to be legal advice and should not be misconstrued as such, any views expressed in this post are solely those of the author and any resemblance to real-world legal systems is purely coincidental.

3 Likes

I’m liking the new version much better. Rewriting is always a good option, even if you don’t use that version. Look forward to see where this will go now.

2 Likes

Ok new version up :slight_smile: . It’s not long after the last version, so haven’t done too much, but thought it was worth uploading and posting as:
with regards to line breaks…nope couldn’t figure out how to do them properly :’( but did my idea of doing a new scene for each convo option, so all lines of conversation should now have line breaks, tested it and yes is easier to read :stuck_out_tongue:fixed a few typos, errors etc added a new npc though you don’t get much time with them yet, if you choose to runaway when your dad slaps you, there’s an extra scene, plus more backstory on emma if you choose to talk to your dad about visiting emma.
I also messed around with the variables a bit so hopefully they’re a bit better.
Now I’ve got into the habit of doing line breaks like this, should make future updates easier, got the next bits written tbh, but it branches a bit so is confusing me :stuck_out_tongue: , and I need to add options, spell check etc. but will post that sometime next week.

edit: also split the stats screen into categories. Also on the screen with all the activities unless you pick an option that goes to another scene, that option can’t be picked twice now…would work better if I could figure out how to use line breaks properly, but it’s a bit better :stuck_out_tongue: .

A line break can be done in a couple ways:

  • Use *line_break twice

  • Use [/n] twice

Either way will insert a completely blank line into the text, allowing the separation of paragraphs.

If you only do it once, then it’ll just put in an enter, ensuring the text before the line break is on a separate line from what comes afterward.

1 Like