A sorcerer's story (WIP)

I’m almost done my first game, and am looking for a little bit of feedback (bugs not caught by testing, etc.) I wasn’t aware that this is meant mostly for games that are in progress (again, I’m a rookie here), so this is more so a ‘first complete draft’. Had I been aware that you were supposed to play it.

If I had to pick a genre it would be urban fantasy - you play as a sorcerer in the modern day, and the main villain is also a sorcerer.

Its about 50k words long with each play through containing chapters, plus a brief epilogue depending on what ending you get. I will edit the wording, and add details and extra into epilogues so that if/when its released there will be different endings.

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/play/agentv/sorcerer/mygame/

Please give any feedback on bugs that testing missed, obvious plot holes, typos, poorly worded sentences, and anything else that would make someone cautious of buying. Its a very action/combat heavy game (I hope to make more character/story based games in the future, but I see this one as a fun escape).

Also, if my post is wrong, please point out anything I could improve. I look forward to your feedback.

Thanks

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TYPO:

Blaine's gender

Releived

I was blood thirty

Infinite loop

Suggestion:
The spacing. Sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s talking when their dialogues are clumped in one paragraph.

With regards to the story, is there a significant reason why Blaine was personally attacking MC? To me, it seems pretty vague, but it just might be because I haven’t reached the part where it’s explained. Will still do more playthroughs and edit this post. :slight_smile:

EDIT #2:
Reading through, I thought this was going to be a light action adventure with a wholesome ending, but then I got to the part where Nancy died, and that made me gape like a pair of 8-balls for eyes! Really nice piece you got here and I’d love to see more.

Good luck with this WiP!

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Good demo so far but when the phone rang their was an option that said summon create i don’t know how to post photos so.

This one?

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will there be more options for the other magics other than blast & summon? illusion, charm, knowledge & transform don’t seem to be too useful(?)

typo;

Yea that’s it other than that great demo so far

Hi everyone, thanks for the feedback.

I’ve fixed all typos that Colossal Kitten, pikachu_boy and honey_milk have pointed out.

In response to Colossal Kitten:
The infinite loop was fixed, I think. At least the one you pointed out has been fixed in my play through. I fixed the spacing issue as far as I can tell. It was something I was a little absent minded of when writing chapter 1, but should be fixed now. I do plan on writing a more detailed variation of why Blaine hates the MC.

pikachu_boy:
Thanks for the kind words.

honey_milk:

At the moment, no there are not other forms of magic. I did this in order to stop both myself and the player from being overwhelmed. However, summon creates a variety of creatures (almost always different), illusion creates a variety of illusions (including sounds) and can actually damage opponents, transform can transform both yourself and others, and blast also has telekinetic powers, so there’s more versatility that you’d initially think.

Thanks to all 3 of you for taking the time to help test and write feedback.

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Ummmm aren’t days 24 hour and not 40, or is there a massive time difference on whatever world this takes place on?

Wow, thanks for the last second catch. Switched it to 40 hours per week.

Your welcome

Hi! New forum member here. Experienced professional programmer, professional writer/editor. What kind of feedback do you need? Are you mainly looking for glitches in how the story’s hooked together, or do you want the really gritty stuff like spelling errors? Or do you need something more like story advice?

I ask because when I do post my stuff, I’m going to be mostly about the latter – like, did my story drag, were my characters believable, etc. – and not so much about grammar and spelling.

Just hoping to be as useful as possible and not bug you about stuff you don’t find helpful.

The general outline is interesting though could really use a lot of copy editing.
The professor being referred to as “the prof” is also a bit off-putting