A New World: Adventure Awaits! Beta Testers Needed

Hello! I am very sorry if I do something wrong here or misunderstood some of the rules and guidelines but I shall try my best to correct whatever mistakes I make.

As for why this thread is here, I just finished my first chapter of a story that I’ve been working on and was hoping to get some feedback on it. Grammar, vocabulary, pacing, and literally anything that comes to mind. If I can improve in it, please tell me. I welcome any and all constructive criticism.

As for the game, it’s an 52,000 word (for now) fantasy adventure based game. If that was enough to catch your interest, please try out the game. If you’d like more of a description;

It’s a game about overcoming pain and finding the positive in a sea of negative. In an adventure where your interactions with others and your decision making will be the determining factor of how you get through hardships, not just increasing your stats (but those are important too).

It’s set in a world with magic and a system that is very much based off one of my all time favorite worlds/stories, so I hope that doesn’t put you off. In fact, I do hope it is to your liking as well, since I assume we all know how good it feels when you convince a friend of your to try that one game or read that one book or watch that one show or eat that on–you get the point. XD

I hope you enjoy it.

So something that’s come to my attention is that I kind screwed up in the gender pronouns department. I promise to try my best to work on that. I will fix it with the release of the next chapter.

Please be patient with me and thank you again for trying it out.

Edit: HELLO!!! Guess who’s back! And I got a small gift :> (If you can call it a gift XD)
CHAPTER TWO AVAILABLE!!!

Another Edit: The link that was posted above doesn’t work anymore since I’ve updated the entire game thing whatever you wanna call it. Here’s the new link! There’s also a short message from me at bottom please check it out if you can.

Yet Another Edit: It’s been two weeks since the last update. How long did it take to make? Two days. I know. I disappoint myself as well.

LMAO JK CHAPTER 5 AVAILABLE! (Have you enjoy the little treat I put in there.)

Still the same link btw
v v v v v v v v
https://dashingdon.com/go/7728

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You can see the feed back of people who have played your demo when they make a post in your thread, or if they send you a message. Either way how you receive feed back is up to you. Congrats on your first book.

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Damn Daren is evil for a 7 year old lmao

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It was great! I enjoyed it, but there were a couple of pronoun errors (I chose female)

Summary

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  • I quite liked the author’s message haha

  • I’d put language into the warning section
  • I like the stats screen. The various personality meters look interesting
  • some of the experience levels show up more than once. impact resistance level 1 I think
  • She chuckles, “putting me up on a pedestal there.” capitalize ‘putting’
  • “So me being beautiful makes me a caring?” her smile grows a bit wider. weird sentence? maybe this: “So me being beautiful makes me caring?”
  • Smile and say, “if I didn’t, your hand wouldn’t be on top of my head.” capitalize ‘if’
  • “is it that hard to figure out?” capitalize ‘is’
    It seems interesting so far! Not a ton to go off of yet, but I like the leveling system, the characters are interesting, the dialogue made me laugh… It definitely has potential! Where is the inspiration from?
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He’s older than the PC so he’s around 9 or 10

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  • Oh…uhhh Thanks <3

  • Language warning, ok.

  • Again, thank you.

  • I thought I shouldn’t since it comes after a coma, but ok.

  • Oh sorry typo

  • Gotcha, same thing as earlier so I will keep an eye out and fix them all.

  • I’m glad that it did! And…uhhh…I was just trynna find something random to use as a story and this was born XD The main inspiration of the world and system is from a light novel (even has a manga and anime now) called “I’m a Spider, So What?”

I liked the building of the world, but I wanna do something different with it.

  • I’m glad that you liked it! I hope you stick around! (=v= )/
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Thank you! I will work on fixing those issues!

Ahh, I see you are a man of culture as well. But beware, those insanely stat screens from it won’t fit into this game

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Ho ho ho. Is that a challenge? In case you are wondering, I am gonna involve the appraisal skill. It’s part of the reason why I had the PC go through the heresy resistance fiasco. It’s gonna accumulate in a pain meter, BUT you get to level up your skills as you see fit (or at least I hope I can integrate that well enough) including appraisel, its going to have its own subscreen from the stat menu :slight_smile:

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Maybe =), Zombie Exodus has done it before but this is a entirely different thing

I added some more to the earlier reply XD.

Also if you are wondering if how I wont lost track of everything…I have an excel sheet XD I wish I was joking

This is definitely an interesting entry, I definitely recognize some of your light novel influences within writing; the way in which you write exposition does seem to mirror some more energetic Light novels, and the same can be said about the dialog. I initially believed that your inspiration was “That Time I Got Reincarnated as A Slime” due to your shared use of skill progression announcements.

This is a nice and unique approach to a CYOA story, I definitely am interested in where it could possibly go as well as how your writing will grow along with it. I believe the only critique I could offer is that the dialogue does feel a tad juvenile; the use of capitalization and exclamation marks are impactful when used in moderation, however they lose their weight when overused and in ways that don’t rightly call for them.

However, I do understand that light novels do tend to allow for that level of exaggeration, and since you have mentioned that light novels are your main source of inspiration, your writing choices might just reflect that.

The beginning of the story is also very animated and is written in a way that indicates that the MC and the voice have a prior history, which is good, however I do take a bit of an issue of how their back-and-forth sort of dialogue is portrayed in this instance.

Okay, so, we play as the MC and at the start of the story the MC is clearly in a situation that is confusing and painful. However, this doesn’t feel like the case due to how the MC interacts with the voice. It is already clear that the Voice himself is somewhat detached from the situation so his casual way of speaking is telling of his personality. But in order for the reader/player to connect with the MC in their situation, their dialogue should reflect their panic/anxiety rather than attempting to play off of the Voice’s comedic approach to the issue.

As it is, the way in which the scene is written doesn’t allow me to connect with the MC and become adequately pulled into the story. This can be remedied with more of an inner monologue from the MC, witch dialogue choices that would allow the Player to decide if they would want to respond in a more exaggerated or serious manner.

Again! Like i said! This is a very interesting concept and world and I would love to see where you will go forth with this story! I enjoy this sort of magical system and an intrigued enough with the story that it will keep me coming to this topic. I really hope my critiques didn’t come off as rude or harsh! I’d love to see more.

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But again! If your writing style is an attempt to mimic a different medium, then the choices you used while writing could be understood better! The critiques I have kind of fit more in line with a more typical sort of novel writing rules and might not fit with your story which is understandable. Even with common fiction novels, literary rules are allowed to be broken as long as the end result achieves the author’s goals

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I’m a little speechless that you not only took the time of day to read this, but also another chunk of time just to write a well thought out feedback. Thank you very much. I will take everything you said into consideration going forward. And I do wish to fix the starting dialogues since they did feel forced.

Again, thank you very much!

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I really enjoyed this, I will definitely be watching this thread. I look forward to future updates.

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Wow, this is an intriguing premise. It definitely felt new. (Those sure were a lot of level-ups :sweat_smile:. I guess it’s like an initial headstart?) But as @Tinyblake pointed out, the interaction with the Voice felt like we’re a bit forced to answer only in a sarcastic manner.

Just one typo which I found.

Screenshot_2021-01-25-19-06-38

It should be Tomoko’s

That was an interesting game! Found something

image

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I think it was pretty good. The level up stuff kinda got me confused.
Also (warning for language)

Summary

I love my name

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I love it too XD