A means to gather thoughts and input on the story I'm writing - Sins of the Crown WIP

Sins of the Crown: A sister’s descent (WIP)

Hello everyone, hope you are having a good day.

First I’d like to thank everyone who commented, the feedback helped a lot. Second, this is a forum page update and NOT a story update and I will go into that reason further down.

(I figured out why I can’t post an image so it will have to come later)

You’ve done everything to avoid this outcome, yet here you are, embarking on a bloody campaign of your own. This one promises to surpass all others in the history books though. But what else can you expect when you’re unearthing secrets that laid the foundation of the very world?

Sins of the Crown: A sisters descent is a Fantasy/Sci-fi story by Pariah where your choices control the story.

  • Play as male, female non-binary; gay, straight, bisexual or asexual
  • Explore 4 romances with characters possessing their own ideals, morals, and hidden agendas
  • Unravel the mysteries of your spacefaring ancestors, where every revelation could reshape the world.
  • Harness elemental powers and wield formidable weapons to carve a path through your enemies. Or, opt for a more subtle approach slipping in and out of the shadows.
  • Customize your gear and appearance to reflect your unique style and choices.
  • And amidst the chaos remember to question everything.

Unfortunately, there was a lot that needed fixing and tuning so the story will not be ready for a while. Please take the information here with a grain of salt as even if they have been cemented in the plan they may still change.

Please note this is NOT a new link
https://dashingdon.com/go/15615

I’ll update Tumblr on my progress when I can so if you are interested you can head here

If you are interested in the game files you can head to Patreon. The post is public and it should allow you to see all the changes. You’ll also get a better idea of why I can’t post it on dashingdon yet.

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@PariahLight found this:

intro line 82: increasing indent not allowed, expected 7 was 8

you’ve made a promising start with your writing, but it feels like it could use more depth and clarity. while reading, I found it a bit challenging to discern the genre, and it seemed like the story was attempting to encompass too many elements simultaneously. providing some additional context could help anchor the reader within the narrative, but I understand that this is just a proof of concept so far.

your writing style is undeniably beautiful, yet there are some grammar mistakes and a scarcity of punctuation that could be addressed. despite this, the central mystery surrounding the rebellion and the royal family is intriguing, and I’d love to see where that goes.

the pacing… there were moments where it felt a bit off, and the dialogue could benefit from more personalization rather than solely serving as a vessel for conveying information. although the characters and storyline captured my interest, I did find certain aspects confusing and rushed.

I see significant potential in this, perhaps more stuffing before it’s a delicious baked bread! :croissant:

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Hello I’m really really sorry about that. It seems that slipped under my radar but I went ahead and quickly fixed it.

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Thank you for the insight. Some of the issues you bought mirrored a few of the things I thought would be a concern especially the pacing.

In terms of the world I was thinking of making a separate page in stats for history, legends and anything else to clarify a few things.

Again thanks for the feedback

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Very short, but pretty interesting.

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@PariahLight my curiosity is peaked looking forward to seeing more.

I feel like I’m being incredibly dumb right now cause I don’t know how to edit my original post. Help would be appreciated but I’ll keep searching for the answer so in the meantime here is an “update”.

Please also ignore the fact it’s in the wrong blog.

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Not dumb at all! It’s because of your trust level on the forum - once you post in more threads over time it will allow you to edit your posts. I’ve made your first post into a wiki in the meantime so you should be able to edit it now.

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Thank you very much. I appreciate the help and information.

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