This was the game that I was going to submit for @lordirishdas contest.
Chapter one and the prolouge are completed.
This was the game that I was going to submit for @lordirishdas contest.
Yay! I’m excited! WOOOH!
I absolutely love that first page intro. Admittedly I kept thinking released the kraken, not release the wyrm. That must be one of the most exciting intros I’ve read.
I then kept playing until I hit the end of the prologue and have jotted down my thoughts as I was playing.
“you almost forget how much like a pair of mice being led into a trap you feel”
That’s the wrong analogy to use. Mice are small, they’re soft, they’re helpless, and the idea of mice conflicts to me with the other images that are being formed. I’d suggest a slight reworking, be it rats, or something else you lure into a trap.
It’s one of the best, most exciting intros I’ve read. I’m so desperate to read more, to find out what’s going on.
By the time I hit “You swiftly stand back up, reminding yourself of the dangers behind you.” I’m craving the opportunity to make a choice. Even if it’s a fake choice I want to interact, I want to feel less like I’m reading a book and instead leap in to participate. Even if it’s a choice that shows how lacking in choices you are.
So I skipped, I started skimming text and probably missed stuff as I went in search of a choice.
I love the sound of “Wruuuooooooooaaaaaaaar!!!” It makes me smile.
When the first choicec hit it was lacking somewhat, they just don’t live up to the same excitement, the same impact. I wanted a magnificent choice as my first one and it wasn’t.
“enourmous” should be enormous. There was a problem with a missing comma that made a sentence ambigious earlier but I’d need to restart.
The second set of choices was better and I was glad I could run.
While I liked the inclusion of an image I couldn’t work out what I was looking at and it was too big to see it all at once on my screen, I had to scroll. It does have a great impact though. I think the image needs a bit of cleaning up. I’m not an artist but I think there needs more contrast between the pencil lines and the brownish background.
Also, I like the impact of the image but I think that you need to have a text alternative. Follow it up with a description of what is scene in the mirror, even if it’s just one line, a line that punches as hard as that picture does. That way you don’t alienate people who can’t see or who can’t see images or who like me have their browser screens so large we can’t see it all at once. I think the image was great though.
It was a shocking moment and the entire prologue had me going WHAT’S GOING ON??? And I want to play more. There’s been few text based games that have hooked me in as effectively as you did.
Lemme git’ mah notepad, I got alotta stuff ta’ write down. I’ll resize the image and clean it up, I was using a phone camera at the time and not a scanner.
I like the contrast, the ramping up of tensions in the first part and then the relaxed air of the second. How it gives you time to breathe.
I am a little sad to find out it was just a dream, but I hope that the dream is a narrative device, that it’s a prophecy or something.
The paragraph that begins “Bright sunlight filters” was just a wall of text to me. It needs broken up.
Hmm seems to be less polish in part two.
The paragraphs are all a bit big for me and it seems like you need a few more paragraph breaks in there. I just had a glance at your code and you need to double return in between paragraphs otherwise the game mushes everything together. One return isn’t enough.
There are some more minor spelling mistakes and misplaced commas (I’m guilty of the same). The paragraph problem means I can’t continue reading though so let me know when you get that fixed.
And again, not enough choices.
That said I think it’s one of the most promising beginning I’ve read, it’s well written, it’s exciting and I really want to read more.
Hmm, that’s abit odd, I made sure to use 3 returns for each spacing, perhaps I didn’t space it enough. I’ll go back and take care of that. Which areas did you feel were most devoid of choice @FairyGodfeather
BTW I think it’s very good for me that you didn’t get it into your mind to polish up that dream and release just it for the contest. That’s some excellent writing with an extremely powerful twist ending.
It’s action packed, emotionally charged, and just keeps driving me on to read. It’s just such a great introduction. A few more choices thrown in of what actions to take and I’d have no complaints at all.
Hmm it might just be your writing style then. I did spot at least one point where there was a return problem but I’ve closed off the file so can’t remember where.
I’ll run through the intro again and point out places where I think choices would be valuable.
Thank you, much appreciated.
Story is amazing so far, keep up the great work.
I see you removed the picture of you as a monster in the beginning.
You need a choice in at “And lunges. Straight at you.” It’s clearly a fake_choice but I think that it needs to be there to provide interactivity. A choice that gives you the chance to attack it, to try and reason with it, to scream, to push your companion to safety and tell them to run, or just to collapse with terror.
The second choice is how do you open that barricaded door. Lockpick, brute force, find the key, or say the runic words, or cast a spell, or well whatever’s appropriate really? But again providing that choice will give the player a better chance of knowing who their character is, even if the ultimate end is the same, the door swings open.
Have a glance at your stats and see how they can be changed into choices.
Give another choice of what to search for in the sand. Be it anyone alive, or a weapon, or something else, no need to automatically assume weapon. I liked that bit, where it revealed it wasn’t a typical fantasy world, that there was technology and guns.
Give a choice about whether to shoot the warg, or attempt to scare it away, or to run.
My heart sank a little when the game automatically assumed my character was male, and that his companion was female. I would have liked to have been able to choose on both those fronts. Even if it ends up with you being a trouser-wearing female Prince who uses male titles. I liked that it was companion throughout, with no hint of either your or your companions gender. That here was a mysterious stranger who we could work out who they were and their relationship to us later. The assumption is romantic interest of course.
The choices after “The Wyrm is enourmous” one set refers to the wyrm as it, the other as he, pick one and stick with it.
And that’s it for the prologue.
Yes be working on the gender thing as part of a midway polish at Ch 4. I’ll wait till finished because if I begin to edit in the middle you might have to restart all over again.
Okay! That’s fair enough. Keep it in mind. One of the things I love about choice games is that it does allow for characters in non-traditional gender roles. But definitely don’t kill your writing flow.
Read it. Hot… drrr, you’re using too many adjectives and not enough basic description, and everythin’ is like “bam!”, info in your face. It ain’t flowin’ very well, and readin’ it is, to me, more annoyin’ than anythin’, so I can’t really immerse myself in it. It needs better spacing, more explanation, etc.
Also, glarin’ grammar errors everywhere! -banshee shriek-
“companions hand in yours.” - companion’s
“Thats when the floor beneath your feet gives out.” - That’s
“It’s eyes glow a bright and feral yellow” - Its
“laying in the sand” - This is a BIG BIG annoyance with me when Americans write. Where do they teach ya peeps ta write like this!? It should be ‘lying’.
“your out of ammo” - you’re
“but thats when you see a ton of explosives” - that’s
"You get up out of your bed and walk over to it, a reflection forms on the surface of the mirror… " - should be “over to it; a reflection” or “over to it. A reflection”, or “over to it, and (or and then) a reflection”.
“you’ve been having one to many of those lately”- too
“Well, in any case its no use worrying about it now…” - it’s
with grand tapestries depicting great battles fought by your ancestors long ago hanging from every corner, speaking of ancestors several gold framed portraits of such hang above your bed at strategic points so that they always seem to be casting their disapproving gaze at anyone who enters your room.
- WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN - I would have started a new sentence: “Grand tapestries depicting great battles fought long ago hang from every corner - speaking of ancestors, several gold-framed portraits of such hang above your bed, at strategic points so that they always seem to be casting their disapproving gaze at anyone who enters your room.” Still a bit of a mouthful, innit?
“A large armoire fashioned of magestic oak and edged in polished silver sits directly opposite your bed and to the left of the ornate set of mahogany double doors that are the main entrance to your room.” - majestic, also: “opposite your bed, to the left of an ornate set of mahogany double…”
“a reknowned blademaster” - renowned
…and many more, including “(thats where it got its name)”, “its extremely light and manuverable”, “If you were surprised before your absolutely shocked now” and ““anyways, Boris!”, he calls to the one on the left, “let 'em in””. I didn’t actually finish it, my OCD kicked in and arrgghhh…
Nevertheless, I love the concept, an’ I wish ya good luck!
I actually loved the BAM! of the prologue and the lack of explanation. I loved that it started like a movie with a chase scene, plunging you straight into the action. I don’t think you needed to know what was going on. There was enough contextual clues to pick it up.
found a weird bug that if you look at your stats and return the games restarts the whole thing and you always find yourself back at the beginning,
That’s not a bug, that’s me editing.
Every time I open the stat screen, it takes me back to the beginning of the game
Edit: Nevermind your answear wasn’t there when I posted
@Bagelthief I get that there are some mistakes and issues but this isn’t a novel. This is a choice-based game that has a lot of coding and honestly you are bound to make a lot of mistakes when putting a story to code. Though I also agree that the concept is good.