This was the game that I was going to submit for @lordirishdas contest.
Chapter one and the prolouge are completed.
Link: https://dl.dropbox.com/u/115498909/web/mygame/index.html
Enjoy.
2 Likes
Yay! Iâm excited! WOOOH!
I absolutely love that first page intro. Admittedly I kept thinking released the kraken, not release the wyrm. 
That must be one of the most exciting intros Iâve read.
I then kept playing until I hit the end of the prologue and have jotted down my thoughts as I was playing.
âyou almost forget how much like a pair of mice being led into a trap you feelâ
Thatâs the wrong analogy to use. Mice are small, theyâre soft, theyâre helpless, and the idea of mice conflicts to me with the other images that are being formed. Iâd suggest a slight reworking, be it rats, or something else you lure into a trap.
Itâs one of the best, most exciting intros Iâve read. Iâm so desperate to read more, to find out whatâs going on.
By the time I hit âYou swiftly stand back up, reminding yourself of the dangers behind you.â Iâm craving the opportunity to make a choice. Even if itâs a fake choice I want to interact, I want to feel less like Iâm reading a book and instead leap in to participate. Even if itâs a choice that shows how lacking in choices you are.
So I skipped, I started skimming text and probably missed stuff as I went in search of a choice.
I love the sound of âWruuuooooooooaaaaaaaar!!!â It makes me smile.
When the first choicec hit it was lacking somewhat, they just donât live up to the same excitement, the same impact. I wanted a magnificent choice as my first one and it wasnât.
âenourmousâ should be enormous. There was a problem with a missing comma that made a sentence ambigious earlier but Iâd need to restart.
The second set of choices was better and I was glad I could run.
While I liked the inclusion of an image I couldnât work out what I was looking at and it was too big to see it all at once on my screen, I had to scroll. It does have a great impact though. I think the image needs a bit of cleaning up. Iâm not an artist but I think there needs more contrast between the pencil lines and the brownish background.
Also, I like the impact of the image but I think that you need to have a text alternative. Follow it up with a description of what is scene in the mirror, even if itâs just one line, a line that punches as hard as that picture does. That way you donât alienate people who canât see or who canât see images or who like me have their browser screens so large we canât see it all at once. I think the image was great though.
It was a shocking moment and the entire prologue had me going WHATâS GOING ON??? And I want to play more. Thereâs been few text based games that have hooked me in as effectively as you did.
Lemme gitâ mah notepad, I got alotta stuff taâ write down. Iâll resize the image and clean it up, I was using a phone camera at the time and not a scanner.
I like the contrast, the ramping up of tensions in the first part and then the relaxed air of the second. How it gives you time to breathe.
I am a little sad to find out it was just a dream, but I hope that the dream is a narrative device, that itâs a prophecy or something.
The paragraph that begins âBright sunlight filtersâ was just a wall of text to me. It needs broken up.
Hmm seems to be less polish in part two.
The paragraphs are all a bit big for me and it seems like you need a few more paragraph breaks in there. I just had a glance at your code and you need to double return in between paragraphs otherwise the game mushes everything together. One return isnât enough.
There are some more minor spelling mistakes and misplaced commas (Iâm guilty of the same). The paragraph problem means I canât continue reading though so let me know when you get that fixed.
And again, not enough choices.
That said I think itâs one of the most promising beginning Iâve read, itâs well written, itâs exciting and I really want to read more.
Wruuuooooooooaaaaaaaar!!!
Wruuuooooooooaaaaaaaar!!!
Wruuuooooooooaaaaaaaar!!!
MWUHAHAHAAA!!!
Hmm, thatâs abit odd, I made sure to use 3 returns for each spacing, perhaps I didnât space it enough. Iâll go back and take care of that. Which areas did you feel were most devoid of choice @FairyGodfeather
BTW I think itâs very good for me that you didnât get it into your mind to polish up that dream and release just it for the contest. Thatâs some excellent writing with an extremely powerful twist ending.
Itâs action packed, emotionally charged, and just keeps driving me on to read. Itâs just such a great introduction. A few more choices thrown in of what actions to take and Iâd have no complaints at all.
Hmm it might just be your writing style then. I did spot at least one point where there was a return problem but Iâve closed off the file so canât remember where.
Iâll run through the intro again and point out places where I think choices would be valuable.
Thank you, much appreciated.
@Headhunter
Story is amazing so far, keep up the great work.
I see you removed the picture of you as a monster in the beginning. 
You need a choice in at âAnd lunges. Straight at you.â Itâs clearly a fake_choice but I think that it needs to be there to provide interactivity. A choice that gives you the chance to attack it, to try and reason with it, to scream, to push your companion to safety and tell them to run, or just to collapse with terror.
The second choice is how do you open that barricaded door. Lockpick, brute force, find the key, or say the runic words, or cast a spell, or well whateverâs appropriate really? But again providing that choice will give the player a better chance of knowing who their character is, even if the ultimate end is the same, the door swings open.
Have a glance at your stats and see how they can be changed into choices.
Give another choice of what to search for in the sand. Be it anyone alive, or a weapon, or something else, no need to automatically assume weapon. I liked that bit, where it revealed it wasnât a typical fantasy world, that there was technology and guns.
Give a choice about whether to shoot the warg, or attempt to scare it away, or to run.
My heart sank a little when the game automatically assumed my character was male, and that his companion was female. I would have liked to have been able to choose on both those fronts. Even if it ends up with you being a trouser-wearing female Prince who uses male titles. I liked that it was companion throughout, with no hint of either your or your companions gender. That here was a mysterious stranger who we could work out who they were and their relationship to us later. The assumption is romantic interest of course.
The choices after âThe Wyrm is enourmousâ one set refers to the wyrm as it, the other as he, pick one and stick with it.
And thatâs it for the prologue.
Yes be working on the gender thing as part of a midway polish at Ch 4. Iâll wait till finished because if I begin to edit in the middle you might have to restart all over again.
Okay! Thatâs fair enough. Keep it in mind. One of the things I love about choice games is that it does allow for characters in non-traditional gender roles. But definitely donât kill your writing flow.
Read it. Hot⌠drrr, youâre using too many adjectives and not enough basic description, and everythinâ is like âbam!â, info in your face. It ainât flowinâ very well, and readinâ it is, to me, more annoyinâ than anythinâ, so I canât really immerse myself in it. It needs better spacing, more explanation, etc.
Also, glarinâ grammar errors everywhere! -banshee shriek-
âcompanions hand in yours.â - companionâs
âThats when the floor beneath your feet gives out.â - Thatâs
âItâs eyes glow a bright and feral yellowâ - Its
âlaying in the sandâ - This is a BIG BIG annoyance with me when Americans write. Where do they teach ya peeps ta write like this!? It should be âlyingâ.
âyour out of ammoâ - youâre
âbut thats when you see a ton of explosivesâ - thatâs
"You get up out of your bed and walk over to it, a reflection forms on the surface of the mirror⌠" - should be âover to it; a reflectionâ or âover to it. A reflectionâ, or âover to it, and (or and then) a reflectionâ.
âyouâve been having one to many of those latelyâ- too
âWell, in any case its no use worrying about it nowâŚâ - itâs
with grand tapestries depicting great battles fought by your ancestors long ago hanging from every corner, speaking of ancestors several gold framed portraits of such hang above your bed at strategic points so that they always seem to be casting their disapproving gaze at anyone who enters your room.
- WHAT IS THIS I DONâT EVEN - I would have started a new sentence: âGrand tapestries depicting great battles fought long ago hang from every corner - speaking of ancestors, several gold-framed portraits of such hang above your bed, at strategic points so that they always seem to be casting their disapproving gaze at anyone who enters your room.â Still a bit of a mouthful, innit?
âA large armoire fashioned of magestic oak and edged in polished silver sits directly opposite your bed and to the left of the ornate set of mahogany double doors that are the main entrance to your room.â - majestic, also: âopposite your bed, to the left of an ornate set of mahogany doubleâŚâ
âa reknowned blademasterâ - renowned
âŚand many more, including â(thats where it got its name)â, âits extremely light and manuverableâ, âIf you were surprised before your absolutely shocked nowâ and ââanyways, Boris!â, he calls to the one on the left, âlet 'em inââ. I didnât actually finish it, my OCD kicked in and arrgghhhâŚ
Nevertheless, I love the concept, anâ I wish ya good luck!
I actually loved the BAM! of the prologue and the lack of explanation. I loved that it started like a movie with a chase scene, plunging you straight into the action. I donât think you needed to know what was going on. There was enough contextual clues to pick it up.
found a weird bug that if you look at your stats and return the games restarts the whole thing and you always find yourself back at the beginning,
Thatâs not a bug, thatâs me editing.
Every time I open the stat screen, it takes me back to the beginning of the game
Edit: Nevermind your answear wasnât there when I posted
@Bagelthief I get that there are some mistakes and issues but this isnât a novel. This is a choice-based game that has a lot of coding and honestly you are bound to make a lot of mistakes when putting a story to code. Though I also agree that the concept is good.